Check in!

Bulimia is back. :( Sunday was intense. I made myself absolutely sick with how much I ate. I didn't eat much all day, then at the end of the day I had a burrito, a side of rice, an order of pad Thai, spring rolls, a bunch of doughnuts, candy, and Cheetos, I kept vomiting to make more room. It was gross.

Yesterday(Monday) wasn't so great either. I ate a lot, but not to the point where I couldn't eat another bite. I had all junk food though and even fast food, which I never eat! Gross.

But today I had to eat what I had in my house, which isn't much, because I'm FLAT broke. I tried to get $20 out of the ATM yesterday, but couldn't so I checked my balance and it's NEGATIVE $12, then I went online and realized I was still getting charged for cable at my old apartment! So at least I'll have $130 in five business days...it's only $50-something that they charged, but I'm also getting a $80-something refund. So anyway, yeah, I don't have money, nothing on my credit cards even, to buy food...and all I had today was the rest of my candy and cookies, plus two bananas, some almonds, and some baby carrots. Yep, that's all. And now all I have to eat is carrots, one packet of instant oatmeal, a few (kinda gross) miso soup mixes, milk, and peanut butter. I literally have nothing else to eat. I have a variety of teas too, but that's not food.

I need a job. I'm going to NY on Sunday too. What I'm going to do with no money in NY is beyond me. I'm hoping my mom will loan me some. So although my weight has been up a tiny bit recently, it will be back down with my recent financial situation. It's sick that part of me enjoys when I'm this broke, just for the weight loss aspect of it, but I know once I get money again I'll go out and gorge myself. See, that's the thing, I wasn't aware of how bad my money situation was, so I was just planning on gorging myself on Sunday and then eating normally the rest of the week, but it turns out I gorged on Sunday and Monday and I can't eat at all the rest of the week. Not by plan at all. I hate that I do that to myself too, why do I feel like I can have a free-for-all day? Why do I want to try to stuff as much food in me as possible anyway? I stuff more than is possible for me even! If it wasn't for puking it back up I couldn't fit all of that stuff in me. It hurts.

I fucking hate puking though. I'm constantly worried about it getting worse and my teeth decaying or having heart problems or anything else that comes with bulimia. :( I just want to eat normal. I want to eat what I want when I want, but I also want to lose weight, so I know I have to watch what I eat for a bit in order to do that and that's where the trouble comes in. *sigh* I kinda don't want to think about it right now, but I wanted to check in and update on the crap that's been going on with my weight.

Oh, but I did try to start the Couch to 5K again last week and I was sore for three days after, so I'm going to try to start it, but ease my way into it better. I also didn't stretch well before either, so that's part of it. I was pretty good with exercise last week. I did yoga, pilates, and that running, it was good.