For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, I'm actually worried about my health because of my stupid bulimia. I'm just at a point in my life where I'm really worried about every little thing related to my health. Maybe irrationally, maybe not. I mean, a bulimic is not a healthy person, you know? But before I never thought it was bad enough to be legitimately unhealthy, which is stupid, I know, but I also know I'm not as bad as it could get. I've never been as serious of a bulimic as I could be. I always just puke to make it so I'm not uncomfortably full anymore, not so that it's all out of me.
So I'm going to try again to stop. I really am this time. I'm a strong and capable person who can do this! I know I can. I know this isn't something that defines me, I'm so much more than this stupid eating disorder. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and not worry about my heart or teeth or anything else that can get screwed up with this binge/purge cycle. I don't like feeling full, I don't like feeling gross after vomiting. I don't like anything about this. It needs to stop. It's a disgusting habit.
I think part of me is worried I won't get to eat again(I'm really broke at the moment and I'm not even lying when I say I don't know where my next meal is coming from). So I end up stuffing myself when I can and then I feel so gross and full that I have to puke some of it back up. Then I feel guilty, for multiple reasons; for hiding this shameful process, for wasting food/money, for doing this to my body, for making the toilet gross, for every little stupid thing that most people don't have to worry about.
So starting now I'm going to eat healthy, not starting tomorrow, not starting after I have one last binge, right now, this moment in time, I'm starting. I'm throwing out all the junk I have, which fortunately isn't much, the last time I had a bit of money to go grocery shopping with I bought good foods. Phew!
I should talk about what triggered all of this. I was on vacation for the past week. I didn't binge or purge at all during that week(so yay for that!), I did gain three pounds, but I don't think that was three actual pounds. We walked a whole bunch, even though we didn't eat healthy and ate a lot, I was proud about the amount of walking and not focusing so hard on what was going in my mouth, but I should have done that in a more healthy way instead of eating high-calorie foods that I wanted. I should have just been eating a bunch of healthy foods. I was definitely lacking on fruits, veggies and water, I think I was dehydrated for a good portion of the trip. But it was a nice trip and as I said there was no puking or stuffing myself, so I was very happy about that!
Then I got back and the bulimia started right back up, which I was very disappointed about. I have been stuffing my face since I got home. I really haven't eaten much healthier since being back here, which I thought I'd do at the very least. I've been back for two days now and the only fruits I've had are a couple bananas and the only veggies are some peppers in a soy cheese quesadilla. I'm trying to lay off the dairy this week, just to see how it goes. Only I have been stuffing myself with chocolate, so that plan wasn't working so well. But other than the chocolate I've been dairy-free. Heh. But I'm throwing out the chocolate, so after I do that I'll be off the dairy, at least for awhile. I still eat gelatin and fish, so I'm nowhere near being vegan. I could give up gelatin easily though. Probably fish too, if I had to, but I like to believe that fish is good for me. In fact, I think, once I start making money(seriously, I need a job, oh I have a job-ish thing though, but I need a real job though) I'm going to start taking fish oil caplets.
I'm very disgusting...as if you didn't already know this. Let me tell you why specifically; I puked in an empty chip bag in my trash can tonight. My room smells now. Ick! See, totally gross, right?
I feel better confessing all of this, even if it's not no one in particular. And I know I'll get better. I just know it. I have to. I can't keep this up. I want to feel healthy and happy. I'm pretty happy in general, but I know I'd feel so much better if I was healthy.
Not to be too down on myself. I'll add a couple of perks from today. One, I thought I looked way cute today, my face and hair just looked great. I like the top half of my outfit too and I liked that my size 6 pants were actually baggy on me, but I think it was some weird fluke, I know they didn't dry all the way and I think that might be part of it because I know I've GAINED weight and my pants shouldn't be loose after gaining weight, you know? It's just very weird. But it made me feel better. I was really happy that I was feeling so pretty today, I've been pretty down in the dumps about my looks lately. Like, I pretty much thing I look like a troll. This only came about because I don't like my teeth and when I laugh or smile showing my teeth in pictures it makes me gag a little bit and there is this one pictures from my trip that I look sooooo gross in. There are other pictures of me smiling with my teeth that weren't too awful, but this one that I'm referring to, I'm laughing and I just look so gross. My eyes are closed and my face is all fat and distorted-looking and my teeth are in their full, crooked glory. *shudder* I look like a total troll! So it's nice to not let things like that get me too down and when I look in the mirror I don't actually hate what I see. My body could be better though.
I'm going to try real hard to get in shape. I'm going to take it easy on the exercise right away, not only because I'm crazy out of shape, but also because I'm worried because of my eating disorders that my heart isn't what it should be, so I'm going to try to focus more on eating healthy and getting slightly healthier before pushing myself into vigorous exercise. I'll just ease my way into it now.
I'm hoping to be down to my goal weight sooner rather than later. I don't care how long it takes, but I feel like I should have a goal in mind. I want to get down to 112 pounds, like I had originally planned, just to prove that I can do it, after that I just want to maintain between that and 118 pounds, which sounds like a big gap, but I figure I'll be more in the 116-118 range most of the time, I just want to get down to 112, even if it's only for a day.
I'm not going to school this term, I'm just going to work and save money and hopefully that will also allow me to spend more of my energy and focus on losing weight and getting in shape and staying healthy and active. I really want to, I want to for my well-being this summer especially. I know I get the usual summer-depression thing, but I'm hoping if I get healthier(which I'm fairly sure I never have actually been "healthy", and that makes me want to get healthy even more!) I'll feel better in the summer. So these next few months will be spent eating well, but not crazy strict and working out, but more so trying to just do more physical activities and hopefully in therapy to get my mental well-being in place to prepare myself for the summer. Oh summer, why much I dread thee so?
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