Pukey

Just vomited up some spicy Thai food. Ouch.

I'm just so gross sometimes. What kind of person can't stop herself from puking up food because she's that afraid of gaining weight? I wouldn't have puked if it hadn't been for my Easter candy binge tonight. I bought $16 worth of Easter sale candy today (50% off!), I didn't plan on eating so much today, but it happened tonight when I got home. I went through the rest of the almond M&Ms, some almond Hershey's kisses, and some mini stick-less Blow Pops. Plus the Thai food that I had. I felt gross, so I had to throw it back up. I hate that I do this. I want to eat pure and clean and healthy and in small portions, but I can't seem to control myself that much. So then I go through my disgusting processes of binging and purging. The binging really isn't as bad as it used to be though. I wish I could stop them both though.

I don't understand how people can have a normal relationship with food. I don't understand why I don't in the first place. I just pile it all in whether I'm hungry or not. I really need to get a life, so I have things to do other than eat. I think that's one of my biggest downfalls; unemployment, barely going to school, and just plain apathy towards any sort of life ambitions.

I'm hoping to go get my ADD diagnosed soon and hopefully get on medication for that, so I can start focusing and getting my life on track for once. It's long over-due, I've suspected I have ADD for a couple years now, but the only time I met with a doctor about it, I barely talked to her or told her anything about me and she tried to tell me I had depression, OCD, and ADD. Though it may be true, it's to a much lesser extent with the depression and OCD. Most of the time I'm happy, I'm really not depressed and don't want that diagnosis when I know what depression feels like and I don't feel like that anymore. I also know what OCD feels like and I don't have much of that anymore either. It's just my unfocused mind that's bothering me.

Anyway, that's not weight-related, but it's health related and I think once my brain issues are worked out I'll be able to get so much more done in all aspects of my life. I'll be able to get a job and finish school, therefore occupying my time so that I'm not just sitting around eating all the time or thinking about eating or puking or anything else like that. I'll be able to sit down and make a plan of what I need to do to lose the weight I want to lose. I'm just hoping that once I figure out how to handle my ADD I'll be good to go. Ever since I figured out(or think I figured out) that's what was wrong with me, it was a mix of a relief to finally know and a burden because I keep putting off getting it checked out(hello ADD!) because I don't even know where to start. I tried that one doctor who didn't listen to me and haven't talked to anyone else since then. But I found this therapist who specializes in this sort of thing and she'll be able to recommend some doctors for me to go see. I'm straying from the topic again. I should stop now.