Big Surprise

Shit.

I've been doing awful. Did you expect anything better from me? Here's my problem; I love chocolate dipped cones from Dairy Queen, really all chocolate or ice cream in general, and I love Diet Sunkist and apparently I have a newfound love for potato chips. Who knew? So that's my problem, the junk. I haven't been eating candy lately though, I'm not sure why, but it's weird for me, a girl who LOVES candy and claims the only reason she doesn't diet is because of her love for sugar and candy. But it just hasn't sounded that great lately. I'm kind of in a selfish phase, where I give in to whatever I feel like and I'm not counting calories. It's so stupid. I don't want to count calories because I don't want to be obsessed with food anymore, like I have been so many times in my life, but I'm still obsessing over everything I eat and how it's affecting me and my body. My face isn't exactly breaking out or anything, but I think my recent junk food kick is making it look greasier. Gross. So that's a bit of a motivator for me to get back on track. (Wait, when was I on track, again?)

I planned on starting my diet today. I always do that though. This is what happened though. I had a sandwich from my favorite local bakery that makes these amazing veggie sandwhiches. Then I had a big oatmeal raisin cookie from another one of my fav' eateries. Then I had a chocolate dipped cone from DQ. Then I had a Vitamin Water, not even the 10 calorie kind, it was a full-calorie one. Then I had another sandwich with tuna, tomatoes, and cheese. Then I had spinach and artichoke dip with veggies(carrots, broccoli, cauliflower) and crackers to dip in it, so good by the way. Then two Toaster Strudels. *om nom nom*

See, I'm gross. No one should be eating that much in a day. Especially when my energy level is at zero, so I can't bring myself to go work out or anything. I think all of my energy was sucked out of me by my lack of real nutrients for the past couple weeks. Today I did ok with my vegetables, but prior to today I hadn't had any fruits or veggies for so long and when I did it was like 1-2 per day, total, not of each.

I'm hoping to do better now though.

Oh the worst was on Monday. I didn't eat at all earlier in the day, the first thing I had was an Icee, then a bunch of beer, then some BBQ food and more beer, then I left the BBQ early and came home and ate more chips and a double black bean burger...because I was wasted and they sounded sooo good.

So this week has sucked and I really wanted to lose like eight pound before I went back home, but that was when I thought I was going in four weeks, now it's only two, but I'd still be happy to lose like five pounds. Even from where I am now and not the weight I saw the last time I weighed myself and decided that I wanted to lose those eight pounds before I got home.

I wish I could just get it into my head to stop obsessing about what I look like and my weight and just try to be healthy. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and I wouldn't eat anything that was even slightly bad for me, I bought all organic and wouldn't even think of touching anything that wasn't natural. I woke up wanting to be pregnant, once I was fully awake I realized that was stupid, I don't even want kids, but I do want to be healthy and I don't know if I'd ever do it for me, but I'd do it for the baby in me. But again, I don't want a child ever, so I'm not getting preggo, that would only make me gain weight and stretch out my vag'. Gross.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I hope to do better tomorrow. I bought groceries today, so I have the supplies to do well.

I keep thinking of that stupid quote "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" - see, I don't believe that, I think the best things are unplained and I do better when there isn't a set plan, but I need to figure something out, that's for sure.