Amber's Diet Blog

Welcome Back Mr. Kotter

2009-10-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

Oh hey, long time no blog. I'm still around. Still struggling with food and my weight and health, you know, all of that. But I'm back.

A lot of things have changed in my life. I have moved from the Pacific Northwest to the Midwest. I'm not thrilled with this place. In fact, I hate it. I moved to be with my boyfriend (yep, I have a boyfriend now too). I wish I didn't have to move, but I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship and I didn't want to break up, so I came here.

I don't have a scale here. I'm not sure if that's hurting or helping me. Last time I checked I was around 141 lbs and that was after I had eaten dinner and it was in Bed, Bath & Beyond, it was just one the models that was on the floor. Normally I don't weigh myself with all of my layers on, especially not a coat and shoes, so it was probably more like 138 lbs at that point, that was about two weeks ago. Other than that I have no idea how much I weigh. I can only assume it's around the 140 mark because my clothes fit about the same. I started buying a larger size, just because I prefer things to fit looser.

My boyfriend and I eat a lot too. And a lot of junk, so it make it really hard for me to stay on track with my healthy eating when he's always indulging or buying me sweets, but I suppose that's part of most people's struggles, huh? I'm just so used to only having to face my own struggles, that I don't usually factor in other people's behaviors. Except when I used to go back to my mom's and she'd keep junk in the house too, but that was only for a short period of time and then I'd be back to my own life, eating how I needed to eat.

It's very frustrating to me to live with a boyfriend when he doesn't know how to eat healthy. He was raised in a house that didn't eat many fruits and veggies and I try to hard to base my diet around those, being a vegetarian. So he NEVER buys fruits and veggies, unless he needs it in a recipe, so that's all on me. And when we go out to eat, say Thai food, he'll think that it's healthy because there are veggies in the dishes. Which is fine, there are worst options, but there are better ones too and I don't think of it as "healthy food" at all. Besides I know it's my fault because I'll order Pad Thai (which is around 1000 calories) because it's delicious, when I could just order brown rice, steamed veggies and tofu.

Anyway, I'm still sleeping weird and I don't have a job here yet. I just moved a few weeks ago. So all I've had to eat today was this:
*Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets (vegan)
*Peas
*Mashed potatoes (made with butter and fat free milk, plus salt and pepper) topped w/Parmesan cheese
*Cran-grape juice

A real surprise, no sarcasm

2009-05-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've eaten so well so far today. No junk, unless you count a little chocolate milk as junk, then, that. But other than that it's been Health City, USA. Here's what I've had so far, take into account I've only eaten twice today since I don't wake up until noon.
-orange, pineapple bits, fat free cottage cheese
-toasted sandwich (cheese, tuna, tomatoes, and bell peppers on two slices of 45 calorie multi-grain bread), apple, chocolate milk

That's all so far and I'm feeling pretty good. A lot better than I have for a long time. I don't know what else I'll have tonight, that last meal filled me up pretty good and I want to try to get back on a normal sleeping schedule, so we'll see. I probably should add some more veggies and whole grains in there. I think I'm oddly doing good on protein, which is usually what I struggle the most with. It's because I'm actually eating fish at home now, I think.

Edited to add:
What I ate after I posted this:
-Total Raisin Bran w/skim milk

Big Surprise

2009-05-13T22:52:00.001-07:00

Shit.

I've been doing awful. Did you expect anything better from me? Here's my problem; I love chocolate dipped cones from Dairy Queen, really all chocolate or ice cream in general, and I love Diet Sunkist and apparently I have a newfound love for potato chips. Who knew? So that's my problem, the junk. I haven't been eating candy lately though, I'm not sure why, but it's weird for me, a girl who LOVES candy and claims the only reason she doesn't diet is because of her love for sugar and candy. But it just hasn't sounded that great lately. I'm kind of in a selfish phase, where I give in to whatever I feel like and I'm not counting calories. It's so stupid. I don't want to count calories because I don't want to be obsessed with food anymore, like I have been so many times in my life, but I'm still obsessing over everything I eat and how it's affecting me and my body. My face isn't exactly breaking out or anything, but I think my recent junk food kick is making it look greasier. Gross. So that's a bit of a motivator for me to get back on track. (Wait, when was I on track, again?)

I planned on starting my diet today. I always do that though. This is what happened though. I had a sandwich from my favorite local bakery that makes these amazing veggie sandwhiches. Then I had a big oatmeal raisin cookie from another one of my fav' eateries. Then I had a chocolate dipped cone from DQ. Then I had a Vitamin Water, not even the 10 calorie kind, it was a full-calorie one. Then I had another sandwich with tuna, tomatoes, and cheese. Then I had spinach and artichoke dip with veggies(carrots, broccoli, cauliflower) and crackers to dip in it, so good by the way. Then two Toaster Strudels. *om nom nom*

See, I'm gross. No one should be eating that much in a day. Especially when my energy level is at zero, so I can't bring myself to go work out or anything. I think all of my energy was sucked out of me by my lack of real nutrients for the past couple weeks. Today I did ok with my vegetables, but prior to today I hadn't had any fruits or veggies for so long and when I did it was like 1-2 per day, total, not of each.

I'm hoping to do better now though.

Oh the worst was on Monday. I didn't eat at all earlier in the day, the first thing I had was an Icee, then a bunch of beer, then some BBQ food and more beer, then I left the BBQ early and came home and ate more chips and a double black bean burger...because I was wasted and they sounded sooo good.

So this week has sucked and I really wanted to lose like eight pound before I went back home, but that was when I thought I was going in four weeks, now it's only two, but I'd still be happy to lose like five pounds. Even from where I am now and not the weight I saw the last time I weighed myself and decided that I wanted to lose those eight pounds before I got home.

I wish I could just get it into my head to stop obsessing about what I look like and my weight and just try to be healthy. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and I wouldn't eat anything that was even slightly bad for me, I bought all organic and wouldn't even think of touching anything that wasn't natural. I woke up wanting to be pregnant, once I was fully awake I realized that was stupid, I don't even want kids, but I do want to be healthy and I don't know if I'd ever do it for me, but I'd do it for the baby in me. But again, I don't want a child ever, so I'm not getting preggo, that would only make me gain weight and stretch out my vag'. Gross.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I hope to do better tomorrow. I bought groceries today, so I have the supplies to do well.

I keep thinking of that stupid quote "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" - see, I don't believe that, I think the best things are unplained and I do better when there isn't a set plan, but I need to figure something out, that's for sure.

Sugar!

2009-05-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm disgusting. Again. Know what I've had to eat today? Well, I'll tell you. Six, maybe seven, doughnuts and some Ranch Corn Nuts. That's it. Oh wait and I got a 10 Calorie(per serving) Vitamin Water while at Target today too, so yeah, that's all my nutrition has consisted of. Oh and one of those little one serving cartons of milk go with my first two and a half doughnuts. That seriously is it though. Gross, huh?

I'm going to be on track from now on though. I'm totally leaning on my time-of-the-month crutch right now though, but it's hitting me hard this month. I'm not sure why. I'm absolutely exhausted already today and it's only 8:00pm. Granted that is probably partly to do with my malnutrition of today. After Saturday I hope to be on track, that's when this will be over, but really the last two days are usually nothing much, so by Friday I should be okay to get my head in the game...or whatever.

I finally broke down and bought pants, shorts, and a skirt today. I was in desperate need of bottoms and I kept thinking, every time I'd try something on, well, I want to lose weight and then these won't fit, so no, I won't buy them. Plus I'm not exactly made of money these days anyway. But I needed something to wear, so I bought some nice stuff at Gap, the pants and skirt were even on sale. I love Gap clothing so much. Not only is a lot of stuff in the Gap very much my style(simple, clean, classic, mildly masculine), but I also love that the petite sizes fit me perfectly...even though I have to order those online.

So yeah, I'm giving myself an excuse to put off exercise and healthy eating for a couple days, which I know is not a good thing because if you're serious about this stuff all the books say that you need to start NOW, be healthy from this point on, don't wait until morning or Monday to start, blah, blah, blah. But I am waiting because, well, I just am.

I will eat better tomorrow though. I mean, there's really only room for improvement after today, right?

I'm tired now though. I'm going to try to sleep, which means I'll be getting up ridiculously early tomorrow, but maybe that's a good thing. I'll be able to get a lot done that way.

Oh barf.

2009-05-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Not literally. That's sad that I actually have to point that out. Just barf about my day of eating. I started off well, I'll just show you, this is how the day went:

-orange, almonds
-banana, string cheese
-leftover Thai from this weekend, eggplant-something-or-other
-Russel Stover Coconut Nest, a couple more almonds
-Diet Sunkist (I'm addicted)
-DQ small chocolate dipped cone w/chocolate ice cream, small fries
-some chocolate/peanut butter cookie bar goodie from a local bakery, milk

Gross, huh? I mean, it was all good tasting, but look how much junk I had! Ick. And I'm clearly not counting my calories, if I was I know I'd be way over my limit.

In good news, I sweated my butt off in the gym today and I'm becoming less and less uncomfortable changing in the locker room now. I've stopped going into the bathroom stall to change!

Did I even mention I was back at the gym yet? I haven't been updating this thing much. But I'm back at my gym because the hot water wasn't working at my house a little over a week ago and cold showers piss me off (there are the only thing that fill me with that kind of rage, I don't know what it is about them that I hate so much, but they anger me to an unhealthy level), so I signed up for a seven day pass and they wouldn't let me go in without signing up again since I was a member before, so I signed up and I'm only paying $19/month, which I think isn't bad at all. I've only been like three times since signing up though, but it's better than nothing.

I'm really wanting to get in shape now. Kind of as an experiment. I always look at other girls bodies and wish I had that body and there's no specific "that body" that I'm talking about, they're all so different. Sometimes I'll see a skinny girl with no curves and think "Man, I wish I could look like her!" then I'll see a tall girl with lots of sexy womanly curves and think "Daaaang, if I could only look like her." But my experimental part of wanting to work out and eat right is seeing how my body would look if it was actually healthy and in shape, which is what all these women I drool over are...they all have their own shape and I'd like to be as fit and healthy as I can possibly be to see if I'd drool over my bangin' bod'...or if I'd still think my calves and belly were too big and my face is too chubby. I'd just like to see. I mean, of course I'd like to keep it up too, but I'm really curious about how I'd look. I know it wouldn't be crazy different, because I'm not really that overweight to begin with, but it'd be interesting to see not only the physical difference in me, if there is much of one, but also the disciplined version of me.

Discipline? What is that? I never grew up with that. My family never pushed me into anything, they never tried to make me better or want to better myself, which I guess is good on some level, like in the "You're fine the way you are, you don't need to change for anyone" way, but I feel like it made me a very lack and lazy adult. I'm young though, 22 isn't too late to change and try to actually work towards accomplishing something. Being a person who tries. Weird.

So back to my Diet Sunkist obsession. It's crazy. I stopped drinking pop in high school. I only have one once every few months, maybe, and that's probably over doing it, it's probably more like one a year...since I was fifteen. But for some reason last week I had the urge for an orange pop, so I went and looked at my options at the store, there was Crush, Diet Crush, Sunkist and Diet Sunkist. I checked out all the labels and decided on Diet Sunkist and I've been switching between that and Diet A&W Root Beer all week long, like one-two per day, which means I've pretty much had more pop this past week than I've had in the past seven years. I'm so gross! Now I'm not sure if this is at all related, but I've been in an absolutely giddy mood this week, I don't know if it's the pop that's doing it, but it's kinda nice being so happy all the time. It is making me feel sick now though and making my already pretty bad ADD worse. I need to eat really healthy with all my brain issues to feel my best mentally...but this pop-filled week has been a pretty happy one, even if it hasn't been productive.

I'm so gross! Seriously.

2009-04-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

I have had so much Easter candy these past two days. Today all my food has consisted of is: Easter candy, a banana, battered fish and onion rings, and some vegetable soup. I'm the epitome of healthy, no?

I pretty much disgust myself. I wouldn't have minded that I had the fried food for one meal had I eaten well the rest of the day and I would have minded if I had a little Easter candy, as long as I ate well the rest of the day, but I had a shitload of Easter candy. I had an entire bag of Hershey's Almond Kisses, an entire bag of Almond M&Ms, two Russel Stover Coconut Nests, and some of those mini-Blow Pop things. I'm soooooo gross! I can't even stand to admit these things to myself. I just want this food out of my house.

I know I only bought it because it was on sale and the Coconut Nests are only around for a couple months of the year, so I felt like I had to stock up on those. It's so stupid. I hate that my brain works that way. I don't need these things like I think I do at the time. It only makes me miserable after I have them. Then when I have them here and I get upset with myself like this and want to throw them out, so I won't eat them anymore, but I can't because I feel wasteful. I just shouldn't have bought them in the first place! :(

Pukey

2009-04-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

Just vomited up some spicy Thai food. Ouch.

I'm just so gross sometimes. What kind of person can't stop herself from puking up food because she's that afraid of gaining weight? I wouldn't have puked if it hadn't been for my Easter candy binge tonight. I bought $16 worth of Easter sale candy today (50% off!), I didn't plan on eating so much today, but it happened tonight when I got home. I went through the rest of the almond M&Ms, some almond Hershey's kisses, and some mini stick-less Blow Pops. Plus the Thai food that I had. I felt gross, so I had to throw it back up. I hate that I do this. I want to eat pure and clean and healthy and in small portions, but I can't seem to control myself that much. So then I go through my disgusting processes of binging and purging. The binging really isn't as bad as it used to be though. I wish I could stop them both though.

I don't understand how people can have a normal relationship with food. I don't understand why I don't in the first place. I just pile it all in whether I'm hungry or not. I really need to get a life, so I have things to do other than eat. I think that's one of my biggest downfalls; unemployment, barely going to school, and just plain apathy towards any sort of life ambitions.

I'm hoping to go get my ADD diagnosed soon and hopefully get on medication for that, so I can start focusing and getting my life on track for once. It's long over-due, I've suspected I have ADD for a couple years now, but the only time I met with a doctor about it, I barely talked to her or told her anything about me and she tried to tell me I had depression, OCD, and ADD. Though it may be true, it's to a much lesser extent with the depression and OCD. Most of the time I'm happy, I'm really not depressed and don't want that diagnosis when I know what depression feels like and I don't feel like that anymore. I also know what OCD feels like and I don't have much of that anymore either. It's just my unfocused mind that's bothering me.

Anyway, that's not weight-related, but it's health related and I think once my brain issues are worked out I'll be able to get so much more done in all aspects of my life. I'll be able to get a job and finish school, therefore occupying my time so that I'm not just sitting around eating all the time or thinking about eating or puking or anything else like that. I'll be able to sit down and make a plan of what I need to do to lose the weight I want to lose. I'm just hoping that once I figure out how to handle my ADD I'll be good to go. Ever since I figured out(or think I figured out) that's what was wrong with me, it was a mix of a relief to finally know and a burden because I keep putting off getting it checked out(hello ADD!) because I don't even know where to start. I tried that one doctor who didn't listen to me and haven't talked to anyone else since then. But I found this therapist who specializes in this sort of thing and she'll be able to recommend some doctors for me to go see. I'm straying from the topic again. I should stop now.

Well, I made this week's weight goal, at least

2009-04-13T02:07:00.001-07:00

I'm so gross. I keep throwing up. I didn't today, but I'm down to this week's goal weight, mostly from puking I assume because I didn't stick to any plans. I didn't work out at all, though I did walk a bit more than normal. I didn't eat great, but I didn't eat much junk, so that's good.

I plan on buying a bunch of Easter sale candy tomorrow though and will probably sit down and eat most of it in one sitting because I'm disgusting like that.

I'm kinda tired and cranky right now though, probably not the best time to blog.

Blerg.

2009-04-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

Gross! I'm up to 140 again! Ew! Ew! Ew! I'm so not eating much today. I thought I was maybe up to 138, but 140?! No way. It was after I had some food in me, so maybe that's part of it. I'm pissed though, I promised myself I wouldn't be in the 140's in 2009, so I have to work my butt off to get back down. I was planning on starting a weight-loss plan again anyway. I want to feel cute and little for the summer, which is two months away! I figure I'll try to shoot for the healthy two-pounds a week thing. So that's eight Sundays (which is when I like to weigh-in) until June, which would put me six pounds away from my goal weight. If I actually do lose the two-pounds each week. I think 124 is a good weight to be at though anyway, I just want to get down to 118. Maybe that should be my goal: 124 by June. Then 118 by the actual start of summer(what is it, June 21?) and maybe even 112 by my birthday mid-July. That'd be a lovely birthday present. I don't even think I'll want to get all the way down to my original goal of 112 once I hit 118, but we'll see when I get there.

So my plan is to count my calories, exercise at least three times a week for at least 45 minutes each time, and walk everywhere as much as I can instead of taking the bus. I think my downfall this past month or so was just going out to eat too much and not counting my calories at all. It was less stressful on me, sure, but all that stress came back when I stepped on the scale today and saw that number. I'm going to try my ass off to at least be down to the 138 that I thought I was at by this Sunday's weigh-in, that way it will be a good head start on things.

I'm going back to MT next week for a few days, so I'm going to have to watch myself. Not too much drinking. Actually sticking to my plans. It'll be tough. I'm going to try my best though. My mom and I are driving my car back here (don't ask me why she's coming, I don't know either), so I'm going to stop being a public transporter. It's crazy, after nearly two years of no car, I'm going to have my car back with me. I actually think it's better for me. I can drive around or go somewhere instead of munching of food when I'm bored. If I still had a gym membership it'd be rad because I could actually drive there, that was my biggest thing while living here. I hated taking the bus to the gym because I hated showering at the gym and I hated riding the bus being all sweaty and grimey, then I couldn't afford it anymore, so that was the end of that. Now I wish I had a membership again, so I could work out like crazy. Well, once I have my car back here in a couple weeks...maybe I will. I don't know. I need a job first, then the gym membership.

Oy!

2009-04-05T00:11:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid to weigh myself. I haven't been barfing as much, like, hardly at all, actually, but I have been overeating a bit from time to time. So at least I'm nipping that bulimia in the bud. Stupid bulimia. I'm actually not eating that abnormal. Just not that healthy.

I want to try to go a week eating nearly perfectly and just see how I'm feeling. I would also like to exercise that week too, but I kinda want to do an experiment to see if just eating better would make me feel better. Not that I feel awful right now or anything, but it could be a whole lot better, you know?

I gotta get some fruits and veggies, but other than that I did some pretty good grocery shopping this week. I have a couple orange and apples left, but other than that I'm all tapped out of F&V's.

I'm also exhausted right now, but really have a strong urge to eat. I guess I need to start being conscious of this. I'm not hungry at all. Not even a little bit. That's the case 75% of the time I do eat though. I'm not a very hungry person, but when I am it takes me a lot to fill up, or what seems like a lot, but probably isn't. Oh how I long to be the type of person who could just listen to her body instead of her crazy mind that tells her to eat all the time, no matter what...well, I guess I'm telling myself not to eat, but I end up eating everything.

Long blog because it's been awhile

2009-03-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, I'm actually worried about my health because of my stupid bulimia. I'm just at a point in my life where I'm really worried about every little thing related to my health. Maybe irrationally, maybe not. I mean, a bulimic is not a healthy person, you know? But before I never thought it was bad enough to be legitimately unhealthy, which is stupid, I know, but I also know I'm not as bad as it could get. I've never been as serious of a bulimic as I could be. I always just puke to make it so I'm not uncomfortably full anymore, not so that it's all out of me.

So I'm going to try again to stop. I really am this time. I'm a strong and capable person who can do this! I know I can. I know this isn't something that defines me, I'm so much more than this stupid eating disorder. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and not worry about my heart or teeth or anything else that can get screwed up with this binge/purge cycle. I don't like feeling full, I don't like feeling gross after vomiting. I don't like anything about this. It needs to stop. It's a disgusting habit.

I think part of me is worried I won't get to eat again(I'm really broke at the moment and I'm not even lying when I say I don't know where my next meal is coming from). So I end up stuffing myself when I can and then I feel so gross and full that I have to puke some of it back up. Then I feel guilty, for multiple reasons; for hiding this shameful process, for wasting food/money, for doing this to my body, for making the toilet gross, for every little stupid thing that most people don't have to worry about.

So starting now I'm going to eat healthy, not starting tomorrow, not starting after I have one last binge, right now, this moment in time, I'm starting. I'm throwing out all the junk I have, which fortunately isn't much, the last time I had a bit of money to go grocery shopping with I bought good foods. Phew!

I should talk about what triggered all of this. I was on vacation for the past week. I didn't binge or purge at all during that week(so yay for that!), I did gain three pounds, but I don't think that was three actual pounds. We walked a whole bunch, even though we didn't eat healthy and ate a lot, I was proud about the amount of walking and not focusing so hard on what was going in my mouth, but I should have done that in a more healthy way instead of eating high-calorie foods that I wanted. I should have just been eating a bunch of healthy foods. I was definitely lacking on fruits, veggies and water, I think I was dehydrated for a good portion of the trip. But it was a nice trip and as I said there was no puking or stuffing myself, so I was very happy about that!

Then I got back and the bulimia started right back up, which I was very disappointed about. I have been stuffing my face since I got home. I really haven't eaten much healthier since being back here, which I thought I'd do at the very least. I've been back for two days now and the only fruits I've had are a couple bananas and the only veggies are some peppers in a soy cheese quesadilla. I'm trying to lay off the dairy this week, just to see how it goes. Only I have been stuffing myself with chocolate, so that plan wasn't working so well. But other than the chocolate I've been dairy-free. Heh. But I'm throwing out the chocolate, so after I do that I'll be off the dairy, at least for awhile. I still eat gelatin and fish, so I'm nowhere near being vegan. I could give up gelatin easily though. Probably fish too, if I had to, but I like to believe that fish is good for me. In fact, I think, once I start making money(seriously, I need a job, oh I have a job-ish thing though, but I need a real job though) I'm going to start taking fish oil caplets.

I'm very disgusting...as if you didn't already know this. Let me tell you why specifically; I puked in an empty chip bag in my trash can tonight. My room smells now. Ick! See, totally gross, right?

I feel better confessing all of this, even if it's not no one in particular. And I know I'll get better. I just know it. I have to. I can't keep this up. I want to feel healthy and happy. I'm pretty happy in general, but I know I'd feel so much better if I was healthy.

Not to be too down on myself. I'll add a couple of perks from today. One, I thought I looked way cute today, my face and hair just looked great. I like the top half of my outfit too and I liked that my size 6 pants were actually baggy on me, but I think it was some weird fluke, I know they didn't dry all the way and I think that might be part of it because I know I've GAINED weight and my pants shouldn't be loose after gaining weight, you know? It's just very weird. But it made me feel better. I was really happy that I was feeling so pretty today, I've been pretty down in the dumps about my looks lately. Like, I pretty much thing I look like a troll. This only came about because I don't like my teeth and when I laugh or smile showing my teeth in pictures it makes me gag a little bit and there is this one pictures from my trip that I look sooooo gross in. There are other pictures of me smiling with my teeth that weren't too awful, but this one that I'm referring to, I'm laughing and I just look so gross. My eyes are closed and my face is all fat and distorted-looking and my teeth are in their full, crooked glory. *shudder* I look like a total troll! So it's nice to not let things like that get me too down and when I look in the mirror I don't actually hate what I see. My body could be better though.

I'm going to try real hard to get in shape. I'm going to take it easy on the exercise right away, not only because I'm crazy out of shape, but also because I'm worried because of my eating disorders that my heart isn't what it should be, so I'm going to try to focus more on eating healthy and getting slightly healthier before pushing myself into vigorous exercise. I'll just ease my way into it now.

I'm hoping to be down to my goal weight sooner rather than later. I don't care how long it takes, but I feel like I should have a goal in mind. I want to get down to 112 pounds, like I had originally planned, just to prove that I can do it, after that I just want to maintain between that and 118 pounds, which sounds like a big gap, but I figure I'll be more in the 116-118 range most of the time, I just want to get down to 112, even if it's only for a day.

I'm not going to school this term, I'm just going to work and save money and hopefully that will also allow me to spend more of my energy and focus on losing weight and getting in shape and staying healthy and active. I really want to, I want to for my well-being this summer especially. I know I get the usual summer-depression thing, but I'm hoping if I get healthier(which I'm fairly sure I never have actually been "healthy", and that makes me want to get healthy even more!) I'll feel better in the summer. So these next few months will be spent eating well, but not crazy strict and working out, but more so trying to just do more physical activities and hopefully in therapy to get my mental well-being in place to prepare myself for the summer. Oh summer, why much I dread thee so?

Check in!

2009-03-11T03:55:00.000-07:00

Bulimia is back. :( Sunday was intense. I made myself absolutely sick with how much I ate. I didn't eat much all day, then at the end of the day I had a burrito, a side of rice, an order of pad Thai, spring rolls, a bunch of doughnuts, candy, and Cheetos, I kept vomiting to make more room. It was gross.

Yesterday(Monday) wasn't so great either. I ate a lot, but not to the point where I couldn't eat another bite. I had all junk food though and even fast food, which I never eat! Gross.

But today I had to eat what I had in my house, which isn't much, because I'm FLAT broke. I tried to get $20 out of the ATM yesterday, but couldn't so I checked my balance and it's NEGATIVE $12, then I went online and realized I was still getting charged for cable at my old apartment! So at least I'll have $130 in five business days...it's only $50-something that they charged, but I'm also getting a $80-something refund. So anyway, yeah, I don't have money, nothing on my credit cards even, to buy food...and all I had today was the rest of my candy and cookies, plus two bananas, some almonds, and some baby carrots. Yep, that's all. And now all I have to eat is carrots, one packet of instant oatmeal, a few (kinda gross) miso soup mixes, milk, and peanut butter. I literally have nothing else to eat. I have a variety of teas too, but that's not food.

I need a job. I'm going to NY on Sunday too. What I'm going to do with no money in NY is beyond me. I'm hoping my mom will loan me some. So although my weight has been up a tiny bit recently, it will be back down with my recent financial situation. It's sick that part of me enjoys when I'm this broke, just for the weight loss aspect of it, but I know once I get money again I'll go out and gorge myself. See, that's the thing, I wasn't aware of how bad my money situation was, so I was just planning on gorging myself on Sunday and then eating normally the rest of the week, but it turns out I gorged on Sunday and Monday and I can't eat at all the rest of the week. Not by plan at all. I hate that I do that to myself too, why do I feel like I can have a free-for-all day? Why do I want to try to stuff as much food in me as possible anyway? I stuff more than is possible for me even! If it wasn't for puking it back up I couldn't fit all of that stuff in me. It hurts.

I fucking hate puking though. I'm constantly worried about it getting worse and my teeth decaying or having heart problems or anything else that comes with bulimia. :( I just want to eat normal. I want to eat what I want when I want, but I also want to lose weight, so I know I have to watch what I eat for a bit in order to do that and that's where the trouble comes in. *sigh* I kinda don't want to think about it right now, but I wanted to check in and update on the crap that's been going on with my weight.

Oh, but I did try to start the Couch to 5K again last week and I was sore for three days after, so I'm going to try to start it, but ease my way into it better. I also didn't stretch well before either, so that's part of it. I was pretty good with exercise last week. I did yoga, pilates, and that running, it was good.

Better, but not in the clear yet

2009-03-04T02:07:00.001-08:00

I still feel a little thick/fat/heavy/gross/what-have-you from the disgustingness of yesterday and from the food I ate tonight, probably, but I feel better than I did yesterday. I didn't overeat today. Hooray for that! I just need to figure out how to occupy my time with something more productive than food. I didn't do much today, but at least I didn't eat a ton either. I had:
a banana and some water before class
then after I got home from school I had some bran cereal with skim milk, a banana, and almonds and more water
then around 10:30/11pm I had two slices of high fiber toast with peanut butter and some decaf green tea
Oh and I had a Werther's Original during my math class today too. That has been all the food I've had today. I'm fairly happy with that. I mean, I wish I'd had more fruits and veggies and less carbs, but it's fiber-y carbs, which is good. I kinda just wanted to eat pure and healthy today though, because of yesterday. But I'm trying really hard not to think about how disgusted I am with myself from yesterday. You can't do that. You can't really plan too far ahead and you can't look back, you just have to make the right decisions now, you know?

I'm hoping I'll feel better and less bloated tomorrow, when I feel good I find it easier to do well, but then sometimes it counteracts and I think "Well, I'm doing ok, I can indulge a little bit" and I end up indulging a little too much or a little too often, I need to keep those thoughts out of my head, until I actually can indulge a bit, which won't be for awhile at the rate I'm going. I just want to lost 20 pounds, that's all. 20 pounds doesn't sound like it should be that hard to do, right? I just need to stop cheating. It's funny that I'm such a cheater when it comes to personal things like this, but in terms rules set by society or even rules set by anyone else but me I'm so good about it. I'm a really straight-laced, follow the rules type of person, except when it comes to myself, I'm constantly letting myself down. I'm working on it though. If someone else could just come in and tell me what to do and babysit me all the time I'd be golden...and I'd be smokin' hot in no time. :)

So yes, today was good. No overeating. No late night snacking. I don't count the toast I had around 10:30 to be late night since I wake up so late in the day. I didn't work out, but I didn't plan to anyway. I only have a week left at my gym, so I should take advantage of that, but I probably won't.

See, I can't make plans, they always go downhill

2009-03-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

Ughhh, just awoke from a food coma. I feel like shit. Why do I do this to myself? I gain weight AND I feel awful. I don't want to work out because I feel so lethargic and lazy. It's such a sick and stupid cycle. I hate it so much. I just need to go one day without overeating and/or purging. One day and then I know I can do it and then I can do another day, but it's so hard for me to get that one day down.

This is what I had yesterday:
almonds
banana
frozen burrito
a variety of chocolates from See's(2 PB cubs, 3 raspberry cremes, 2 dark chocolate mints, plus the sample they gave me, I feel like there was two more of something else, though I can't recall what now)
a ton of sushi (cucumber rolls, california rolls, fried tofu in miso)

I felt disgusting huge after the sushi and came home to puke, which I did, and felt a little better, then I had to go to the store to get a couple things and ended up getting two of those single serve ice creams, so then I had this once I got home:
the cookie dough ice cream
another frozen burrito
broccoli and carrots in ranch dip
3 of those hashbrown rectangle things with ranch
flax seed crackers
the chocolate ice cream

See, I'm disgusting. And the most idiotic part about it is that I want to go puke it up when I'm done, but I'm too tired by the time I get done eating it all, that I just go to bed and not only do I have to face the consequences of eating so much with the weight gain, but I wake up feeling like hell. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Then today I wake up and think "Ok, I should just not eat today" I mean I am still FULL from yesterday even. But then I'm thinking "Well, you're not supposed to skip meals, and you're especially not supposed to skip full days of eating" so then I go and eat like normal and feel guilty. Why can't I just get it through my thick skull that I only need to eat when I'm hungry. It's so simple. Like, I know my body well enough to know that I won't be overweight if I just eat when I'm hungry. I don't know why I can't just do that. Instead I eat when I'm not hungry and gain weight and become slightly overweight. But fuck that, I'm not doing that anymore. I can't gain anymore weight. I hate gaining weight so much. But I can't keep focusing on this so much either.

It's stupid, I feel like I constantly need a babysitter to make sure I don't overeat. Which is part of why I decided to move in with people, but then I move in and realize what a weird situation it is. No one talks to each other, everyone takes their meals in their bedrooms. It's worse than if I was living alone. Well, maybe not, but it's just as bad. I can close my door and eat in shame...late at night. I hate that. Maybe I should just make a rule of no eating late at night, unless I really am absolutely famished. I feel like my rules never hold up though. I need someone to keep me accountable.

Goddamnit I wish I had a job.

Get it together, amb

2009-03-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been awhile. I'm fairly sure I've gained weight this week. Damn. I haven't weighed myself since last week though, so I don't know for sure, but I did eat quite a bit these last few days.

So I want to be under 130 pounds by the time I go to New York on the 15th, so I'm going to try to stick to 1200 calories per day for the next two weeks and try to work out as much as possible. Hopefully that will do the trick. I don't think I've gained too much, so it should be possible, though I don't know how much I weigh right now. Ideally I'd like to lose ten pounds in two weeks, but that seems a little extreme, I'm thinking that would put me at about 125, but really I don't know how much I weigh. I hope it's less than 135, but I don't think it is, but I also don't think it's (much) more than that either.

I heard this thing on NPR last week about exercise not being as important when you're in the process of trying to lose the weight, as it is when you're just trying to maintain your new weight loss, when you're initially losing it it's mostly about the food you eat, but I think that applies mostly to people who have more to lose, but I think it makes sense, at least to me because of my unfocused mind, to put all your energy into just strictly eating the right amount of calories and not on a million different aspects of weight-loss makes total sense to me. But everyone is different and no one thing is going to work for everyone, so I just have to try stuff out.

I know that I lose weight pretty quickly when I eat 1000 calories a day, but I also know that you are supposed to at least get 1200 calories per day, I know it seems like not much of a difference, but if it's the difference of me starving myself and then overindulging because I'm hungry as opposed to eating a little more each day and not overindulging, I'll take the eating more each day and not losing as quickly.

The thing is, I wish I could just focus on the number of calories and not necessarily worry about the type of food, but my brain has been so unfocused lately, that I know I need to get the biggest bang for my buck to try to let me brain work as good as it possibly can. So I need to eat incredibly well and probably exercise too.

So I'm going to try to my darndest to stick to a plan and not cheat for the next two weeks. I know I can do it. I'm a strong and capable person, right?

Oh and did I mention that I've met a wonderful person, who makes me feel great? It's sorta awesome.

Check in for Tuesday, even though it's technically Wednesday morning

2009-02-18T04:35:00.000-08:00

So I ate chocolate today, without even thinking about it, so I guess I either broke one of my rules or a failed my goals. Either way I'm not too upset about it. I only had one. And this is what I came on here to say; I didn't puke today! Hooray!

What I had to eat today was:
banana
almonds
Coconut Nest(that was the chocolate)
Gardenburger on rye with mozzarella and spinach
whole grain and flax crackers with onion and chive cream cheese
small-ish blueberry muffin

So that's it. Not awful. I'd say it's about normal for a 22-year-old, who is broke. If I were rich(or had a job) I think I'd eat slightly better...or maybe I'd eat worse, who knows. I'd probably eat worse, I'm sure I'd just go out to eat every meal if I was Miss Moneybags. I think I eat pretty well for the average 22-year-old American girl though...again, who is broke and doesn't live at home.

I'm disgusting

2009-02-17T00:57:00.000-08:00

I went to the movies today (specifically editing out which movie I went to, to avoid embarrassment for myself) and I had a small popcorn, Milk Duds, and a blue-raspberry slushie. Plus my normal food for the day, which consisted of: a garden vegetable sandwich, a bowl of Kashi cereal with a banana, some almonds, mac & cheese with spinach and veggie chicken patty. So it was pretty ok. I really need to get some more fruits and veggies in, but it wasn't awful, besides the theater experience, which was stupid because it was right after I had the (delicious) sandwich, so I wasn't even hungry, I just caved into the tempations of the theater-going-experience. Dangit.

So the main reason I came on here was to set some goals for the week:
1) No puking (sounds easy enough, but it's been tough lately)
2) Work out 3 (or more) times (hopefully run at least twice and yoga/pilates once, or something like that)
3) Quit the gym (this has more to do with financial issues than anything else)
4) Avoid candy (just for the rest of the week)
5) Thai food only once, if at all

I've realized my junk food habit isn't so much "junk food" I could honestly take or leave most unhealthy food (I also think it's healthier to think of it in that way, not just just say "no way, not ever will I put that in my mouth", but rather realize it's kinda gross and there are better things to put in your body, but it's not the end of the world if you eat a bag of Doritos or whatever), but with me, it's the candy, oh boy the candy is what gets me every time. I can even avoid the bakery treats most of the time as long as I can have some chocolate candy. I'm not usually much for the salty junk food either, I like it well enough, but it's not the same as my chocolate obsession, nothing is. I think I have a fairly healthy grasp on most things food-related, but the chocolate is what gets me every time. I also still overeat from time to time, but I'm working on that too.

So anyway, that's all I had to say today. Oh and I felt really good today, not necessarily healthy-good (though I didn't feel bad in that aspect either), but skinny-good. Which, I know, is stupid, but it was also nice. I mean, I didn't feel "skinny", but I felt like I looked good and like a normal girl, who doesn't overeat and then vomit it back up. Although I did puke a bit today. Gross. But I'm going to stick to my rules this week and hopefully see some results on the scale. I doubt I'll be at the weight I want to be, but I think on the weigh-in after that(March 1st) I'll hit my first goal and I always said I'd get my new ID when I did that, so I could put my real weight on there and not be embarrassed by it, so the minute I hit that mark, I'm going down to the DMV.

I can do this. I am strong and capable! That sounds sort of cheesy, but I am, you know? I mean, I have to believe that in order to succeed. I can do this. I know I can. Of course I have it in me.

Checkin' in, once again.

2009-02-15T22:21:00.000-08:00

I worked out tonight. I'm not sure for how long, though. Probably about 45 minutes or so. I showered at the gym, for the second time. It's not as scary as I originally thought. I had to cut my working out time down by a lot because I'm an idiot when it comes to maneuvering around this city since I rarely drive and being from somewhere so rural, highways freak me out, so I just try to get there by staying in town and taking an extra 5-10 minutes, but I went to the location downtown, thinking it would be less busy, but it turns out 24-Hour-Liar, only stays open until 8pm on Sundays at that location, so I went across the river, since I didn't really know where the other one was on the west side and I had a hard enough time finding the one that I did know(and have been to!), so by the time got there and dressed and everything it was already 8:20pm and I had to return the car at 9:30pm, so I worked out until around 9pm, then called and extended my reservation because I planned on shaving and getting completely ready, but realized why bother, since it was so late at night, but I showered and stuff and left around 9:20pm, which was actually a good thing that I left when I did, I got super lost and took the longest, most-round-about way to get back home. I mean, it only took me 20, maybe 25 minutes, but it should have only been 15 at the very most. Anyway, that was my gym-going story.

So far today I've eaten:
a banana
some almonds
Kashi 7 grain flakes (or something like that)
skim milk
more almonds
BBQ Corn Nuts (I know, I'm disgusting)
and I have an orange sitting next to me that I'm about to eat

It's only so little because I woke up around 1:30pm today. I guess that's still nine hours worth of food, it probably should have been more...and healthier. It wasn't that bad though, really. I kinda wanted to stop and get some Thai on the way home again, but refrained. So yay for that? I think I'm going to only get Thai once a week, instead of every day. (I'm exaggerating don't really get it every day)

I guess that's all I have to say about today.

As I continue to do shitty...

2009-02-14T23:20:00.000-08:00

So I have been doing awful this week. All week. I've binged and purged more times than I'd like to remember. I think my abnormal eating habits are really affecting my mind a lot more than normal lately. I can't concentrate for anything and I'm assuming it's because of the crap eating. My skin is oily and gross, which I also assume is the crap eating. My energy level is so low, I could sleep all day if it were socially acceptable. I guess that's the good thing about roommates, it inspires me to actually get up and out of the house at least once a day, instead of sleeping all day long.

My day started out well enough. I had an apple, banana, almonds, and milk. Then I went out for Thai food and had pad Thai with tofu and some egg rolls, then some chocolate. I came home and puked a bit. Thai barfing is the worst, just so you know. Then later, about an hour ago I had a burrito, some corn nuts, and some more chocolate. Gross. I know I'm going to puke it up soon enough too. Not all of it. I never have it in me to puke everything I ate back up, but I do puke some, just to get rid of some of those nasty calories. :(

I just wish I could eat to satisfy my hunger and give me energy and eat healthy and reasonably. I know it seems so simple, but it's fucking hard. One of these days...

I didn't end up buying the book I thought was so good the other day, that I've mentioned a couple times. I went back yesterday and read more of it for about a half an hour, skipping around to different sections. It was good, but I think I thought it was something different than what it was or maybe I was just in a different mood yesterday than I was that other day. It seemed like just another stupid self-help book, but it was in the feminism section, so I didn't think that's what it was at first, and I thought it was less corny than most self-help books I've flipped through, but it was still basically like "You're worth it, eat well, don't diet, move around in your own way" and all of this stuff is good info, but it's been said many, many times. I liked the way this book addressed things though, I will give it that, but it just wasn't what I was looking for. I don't know exactly what it is that I'm looking for, I guess just not an advice book, nothing even remotely self-help-y. I don't believe in those books, really.

Still haven't quit my gym, yet I've only went once this past week. It's such a waste. I should go tomorrow again for the last time and quit after that. Or maybe I can quit and still have a number of days to still go, I'll have to check into it.

I'm also skipping this weeks weigh-in. Of course. I did so bad. I am going to do good this week. Seriously. I won't let myself do bad, not in a restrictive or controlling way, just in a "I can do it, I'm strong" type of way, you know? I think that's one of things I really need to work on, convincing myself that I do have it in me to do this and I am a strong and capable person. Of course, I am, right? :)

Apparently I need to check in most days this week, I'm doing THAT bad

2009-02-12T01:55:00.000-08:00

So I'm hoping that I just don't gain this week. I really hope I maintain, I think that's the best I can ask for with how bad I'm doing.

I'm going crazy with the candy lately. Other than that I'm really not doing bad, but that dang candy keeps getting to me. I guess I'll just have to take a break from it for awhile.

Oh and I've puked a couple times. I really thought once I moved in with roommates the self-induced vomiting would stop. It clearly hasn't. I do it when they're not home or are asleep.

The shitty thing is not only do I gain weight from my bad habits, but I also physically feel awful and my skin becomes oilier. Boo.

Alright, Amber, get back at this. I was feeling so good at the beginning of this week. How can I fuck things up so quickly?

No candy. That's a rule now. I know it's not good to deprive yourself of something you want or say that you can't have something, it makes you want it all the more and then when you finally allow yourself to have it you tend to overindulge. But the thing is everyone is different, I feel like I can do better if I set up these type of rules for myself. Not that I'm so great with rules, but not having something is better for me than just allowing a bit of it because I can't stop at a bit. If I give myself an inch I'll take a mile. I also think it's sort of a silly rule anyway, to allow yourself a little bit of something, what if you did that in all aspects of your life? Well, I'm just going to kiss this other person, so that I don't sleep with them. Or maybe I'm just going to take a couple bucks from this stores register. It makes no sense, you have to show restraint, I know that there are actual moral reasons for not doing those things in the two examples I gave, but I feel like it's the same logic, really.

Anyway, I'm going to buy a couple of those feminist body image books I was talking about before, so I can start to feel the way I did after I read bits of them the other night. I should show restraint and not buy them, since I don't really have the extra cash to be throwing around now, actually, I might not have to, I'll check at the library first. But I feel they are a worthy-enough investment if I do have to fork over the dough for them, at least one of them.

Tuesday check-in.

2009-02-10T20:55:00.000-08:00

I had some little chocolate-binges the past two days, then tonight I had a bit too many crackers with onion and chive cream cheese on them. Yum, but eek!

But I went to the gym last night. I think it solidified the fact that I'm going to quit. I don't like that locations gym, it's cold and dirty, the folks who go there are all super nice though. Not the people who work there, just the other gym-goers. Once I get a car again, then I might start back up, since it won't be as much of a hassle to go. Right now I'm thinking just at-home and outdoor workouts are going to have to be it for me.

Need to go grocery shopping still too.

Did I mention that I went shopping for jeans yesterday and I'm in a size 6 at the Gap now! Which means size 8 everywhere else, but still! Gap is what I wear anyway, it's nice to fit into a size 6 at all again. It makes me so happy. My final goal is to be in size 4s again, I don't care if it's a Gap size 4 or a real size 4, I'm just tickled when I fit in 4s, I feel so tiny! :D But I'm a 6 now and I'm feeling good and average-sized again, I'm just really happy right now. I don't feel like a fat blob all the time anymore and I'm not feeling sorry for myself anymore. It's just good. And I rationally know that I wasn't ever a "fat blob" like I felt like, I'm just sorta short, so even a little extra weight shows so easily, so when I'm even the slightest bit over the normal weight range I feel like I look awful.

I don't think living with other people has necessarily helped my eating situation, but I'm glad to be living with others again. It's nice.

Good week.

2009-02-08T16:32:00.001-08:00

I feel great. I did good this week. No over-eating. No depriving. I lost weight. It was fantastic. I still didn't eat much because of busy-ness, but I did manage to get in at least two meals per day and was never desperately hungry. For as much as I used to over-eat I don't need much to curb my hunger.

I need to get some more fruits and veggies in, but other than I'm doing ok. I have my occasional treats. I'm getting whole grains in and protein(since I'm a vegetarian, it's important), I'm actually not too bad on the fruits, I mean, I could be getting one or two more in per day, but my big problem is vegetables, I barely had any vegetables this week at all.

I may cancel my gym membership. I just don't see myself going now that I live in this new place that's so far away and to be honest I only went like twice a week when I lived closer to the gym anyway. I think I'm just going to start running at the park that's a block away from my new house.

Anyway, here's hoping that this coming week will be as good at last.

Checkin' in.

2009-02-05T05:04:00.000-08:00

So I haven't eaten much in the past couple of days, which is good and bad, you know, I lose weight, but then I gain it right back once I start eating normal again, but I feel so close to the 120s now, I really want to keep on this losing trend.

I was at a bookstore tonight and looking through the feminist section of the store, mostly in the body image sub-section. There was a book there, that I was going to look up on amazon and order for cheaper, but I can't recall the title now. Hmph! But I did find the other one I was reading also. I really want that other book though, it was great from what I read, it was just such a different and empowering view than I'm used to. I think I need to study up more on womens studies. It makes me feel better. Sometimes when I'm in feminist mode I feel like I'm annoying and not as light-hearted as I like to be, but I still believe in all these feminist things, I just get too serious about it when I'm reading up on that stuff and most people don't want to hear that. They're used to the funny Amber, I like funny Amber better than serious Amber too and being funny Amber doesn't mean that I don't still believe those serious things, I just need to learn to balance it somehow when I start to immerse myself in all that woman-related stuff. Anyway, enough about that, I'll talk more about it once I've actually read up more on feminism and body image and all that.

So I lost a bit of weight this week and not only that I've been weighing myself at night, which I don't like to do, I like to weigh myself at the beginning of the day, but I'm happy with my weight today.

I think I'm disoriented right now because I had this fun house mirror, really it was just a cheap mirror and I moved into a house with actual good mirrors that show me the way I look, instead of making me look like 15 pound thinner. I suppose it's good to know what I actually look like, even if I feel more confident when I go around thinking I look thinner. I'm going to learn this confidence regardless of my weight. I just need to read up on it and work some things out with myself, but I'm excited after reading a bit of that book tonight.

I have lots more to say, but I should be off to bed. I'll update again on Friday. I don't think I'll have time tomorrow.

Oh and I was at Whole Foods tonight and I have been desperately trying to find a pre-made vegetable spread in their deli section, like a sort of cream cheese type of thing, they had it about a year ago at Whole Foods, I keep checking back every couple of weeks to see if it's there, it was a fluke, it was only there for a few weeks last winter, totally unfair. I used to eat a vegetable spread like that and those Crisp'n Light crackers when I was a kid and all I want is to be able to eat that again, I don't recall what kind of spread my grandma bought, maybe she made it herself, but Whole Foods matched that taste and I'm so upset that it's gone and I don't know where else to find it. I can't even find regular old vegetable cream cheese.

Ok, really, I need to sleep now. :( I'm not going to get much sleep today.

Third week check-in.

2009-02-02T03:26:00.000-08:00

I was shit this past week. It was bad. I'm skipping my weigh-in. I think I'll do better this week. I move into the new place on Tuesday morning. I'm not much of a eater around other people, so living with other people should help my overeating and sweets eating. Thank goodness.

I went to the gym tonight. It felt great. I was jamming out to a mix a friend made me awhile back, it was perfect for my work out tonight. I only went for like 45 minutes though. I know I could have done more, but the program I chose on the elliptical only went for 30 and then I did about ten extra minutes on that, then went over to the mats and stretched and tried to do some push-ups, that was embarrassing. I need to work on my upper body strength. Big time.

As much as I actually do enjoy going to the gym. I think I'm going to cancel my membership. I'm too far away at the new place and will go even less often than I do now, which is only about two-three times a week, at the most. But I have a radtastic park next to my new place, so I think I'm going to try to start running again, since it will be a convenient place to do so and do other exercises at home. I need to get some hand weights to build up my arm muscles. Plus I have my yoga and pilates dvds, my body ball, and my hula hoop, which I'm not sure of where I'll get to use it, my room is probably too small for that and I would feel weird going anywhere else in the house to do it, or outside, that'd be weird for me, my roommates, and my neighbors.

I'm excited to move though. I think it will be good on my physical and mental health living with other people. As I said before, I'm a much better eater when I'm not living alone. I get out of the house more, which mean I have to think of things to do, which means working out more. I have actual people to talk to, it's just an all-around good idea for me to live with people.

I bought a bunch of junk last night; a box of chocolate cake and frosting to make cupcakes, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and ice cream sandwiches. As some sort of act against my overeating I threw out what I had left tonight. Which was a lot of the cupcakes, almost all of the mint chocolate chip ice cream and only one(or was it two?) ice cream sandwich, but the box only came with five. I feel bad about wasting money, but I don't need that stuff in my body! I need food for fuel, not for comfort or taste. Well, you know what I mean, like to satisfy a craving, not just "a craving" I will go out of my way to satisfy any and all cravings I have. I need to learn to control that. I'm the same way with shopping though. I'm an impulsive eater and an impulsive shopper. Ugh.

So plans for this week: move, buy new groceries(since I let it dwindle down because of the move), cancel gym membership, start running regimen, get hand-weights. Um, I think that's all that's weight/food/health-related. I have a million other things to do though, it's kind of annoying.

Sunday and Monday check-in

2009-01-27T01:52:00.000-08:00

So far this week, the past two days, my calories have been good, but the nutritional value could be better. Like, a lot better. Yesterday was worse, today wasn't that bad actually. But I slept for twelve hours last night, so my schedule was thrown off and I had breakfast around 3pm, lunch around 7pm and dinner around 11pm.

I stepped on the scale this morning(actually, afternoon) to see what I was working with and it wasn't so bad, actually. I mostly just maintained for a week, which I'm super thankful about. I felt like I pigged out last week.

I want to eat right now, but I know I'm not hungry. I need to kick this late-night-eating habit. I also need to kick this weird sleeping schedule.

I haven't been to the gym, but I hope to go tomorrow and Wednesday. Thursdays are too busy for me to go, unless I go late at night. Then this weekend I'm just going to be getting all of my last-minute moving stuff done and I should be all settled in by Sunday.

Oh noes.

2009-01-25T21:33:00.000-08:00

Bad week. Just awful. I went to the gym once, is all. I ate too much most days. It's a new week though. I'm skipping my normal weigh-in, which is on Sundays. I'm using a free pass this week and I'll just work hard this week and weigh-in next week. I don't want to know how much I gained since last week. I think it will discourage me more than anything.

I'm going to try to eat better this coming week. This past week was too much, the week before was not enough(but I was losing like crazy, which made me happy), now I need to find a happy-medium. I need to eat a normal, healthy amount and exercise. Come on, Amber!

2009-01-21T18:27:00.000-08:00

Didn't go to the gym last night. Blarg.

I have been eating too much. Double blarg.

I can't wait to move in with other people. Being around people keeps me from eating more than necessary. T-minus eleven days! :)

2009-01-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've gained a pound since my Sunday weigh-in. :(

I haven't been to the gym yet since last week either, when my friend was visiting. :(

I have been eating a bit too much lately too. :(

I need to start doing things that warrant smiley-faces not frowny-faces.

In good news, the inauguration was today(yay!) and Obama has always inspired me to exercise. I remember in the midst of his busiest time, before election, he said that he was working out 45 minutes a day, but would like to get be getting 90 minutes in. I love that, so whenever I go to the gym I try to go for 90 minutes since I'm nowhere near as busy as Barack Obama. Hah, obviously.

On a completely separate (not-so-healthy) note, I love that he smokes. I'm not entirely sure why, but I love that about him. I know, I know, he quit, but he's a smoker at heart. I like smokers.

I'm on a weird sleeping schedule again, which is mostly annoying, but that also means I can go to my gym after midnight, when there is hardly anyone there. I don't have school tomorrow, so I will definitely go tonight and I don't have school until the afternoon on the days I do have school, so I can pretty much go any day anyway. I need to get all this working out time in now that I still don't have a job either and while I'm near this gym. I might have to switch gyms once I move. We'll see. If I had a car this would be a non-issue, but it's a hassle when you're a walker/public transit rider.

It was a fluke.

2009-01-18T14:33:00.000-08:00

I'm ok with what I saw on the scale, even though it's higher than yesterday, which was inexplicably low, so I feel this number is fair, more than fair, since I didn't really work out this week. And I made my goal, beat my goal, actually.

2009-01-18T01:54:00.000-08:00

Possible fluke. No, it's a total fluke, but I weighed in so much lighter today. It made me happy, even in my god-awfully sullen mood. My jeans, which fit perfectly last month, are legitimately too baggy now. :) It's still too cold to wear dresses though, so I just have to keep on with my baggy pants.

Yes, it's true, I haven't been eating a ton, but what I have been eating is all good for me(and a lot of proteins, which is great for a vegetarian!), so that's awesome. I love that I don't have to gorge myself and I don't have to eat bad food. I feel good about things. (in that aspect of my life, other parts of my life are a little rocky right now)

I need to get back in to the gym groove again though, then it'd all be smooth sailing. I've been ultra busy this week though. Like big time. I should be able to next week though. I can't wait until the new year resolutioners die down and it's not so busy in the gym. I figure by about mid-February it should be back to normal.

2009-01-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

My nerves have been all jumbled lately, causing me to eat less, which shouldn't make me as happy as it does, but I love not eating all the time...or really much at all. It's been nice. I'm down to a weight I don't feel as terrible at. I'm hoping I can keep this up. I feel good about myself right now.

My pants are still too big, which sort of stinks, but as long as I'm losing weight, who cares! I wish it wasn't so cold, I could be wearing dresses all the time and not have to worry about my pants being too big.

So yeah, hopefully I'll just keep up what I've been doing, I guess.

2009-01-13T00:43:00.000-08:00

I think my jeans are too big :D, I was wearing a pair of Gap jeans today and they were embarrassingly baggy on me, like, I like a little bagginess, I just feel more comfortable that way, but this was ridiculous. I probably wouldn't even have to unbutton them to take them off. But, I've said this before and I'll say it again, Gap makes things big, so I'm probably the actual size I was wearing at Gap and down a size in Gap clothes. Hooray!

I kind of barely ate today, which isn't necessarily good, but I felt good about myself. I only got hungry towards the evening and then I had a banana, then latter some carrots. I know, I know, but I had been eating too much(candy) the few days before that.

I'm hoping to start eating normal again now and just work out. Which I did today! I felt ugly and short and fat though, I think it was super model night at the gym or something. All these gorgeous, skinny girls, with perfect skin and delicate facial features, who were working out just as hard as me, but hardly broke a sweat and here I am this big fat ox, huffing and puffing besides these goddesses. Ugh. (don't worry, I'm only kidding, I mean, they were physically beautiful people, but I'm not down about it, I like that I'm quirky looking, I would like to be skinny though)

And we're back!

2009-01-11T22:33:00.001-08:00

Alright, so I've been MIA for awhile. I was back in the MT for awhile, now I'm back in OR. I'm a few pounds lighter. Feeling positive about life. I'll do a better update soon, but this is just letting the no people that read this know I'm still here.

I don't know if I'm getting better or not

2008-11-21T16:26:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna lie. I have had a couple binges this week. Well, just these past few days, since my last blog. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not as terribly upset about it as I used to be. I haven't been working out since Wednesday either. I'm finally on a normal sleeping schedule though.

Now I just need to figure out when to work out. I don't want to go during the busy times at the gym and I don't want to go during the busy times on the bus either, so I'm going to have to figure out when that is. I know it's busy on the bus from about 7am-10am and then again from 3pm-7pm and the gym starts to get busy around 5am but I'm not sure how long that lasts and I'm going to assume from about 5pm-8pm is the busiest time of all since that's when people get off of work and have time to exercise, but I'm too afraid to go and check it out to see. I want to go late at night, but I get so tired, but I need to figure out something. I feel so much better when I'm working out and I have the time to do it now, so I feel like I'm just wasting this chance away. I literally have nothing going on in my life, I have all the time in the world.

I'm starting to get unfocused and tired already and it's not even 5pm yet. I guess I'm going to have to just go mid-day. Because I get too tired even in the late afternoon and right away in the morning it's too busy. If I wasn't such an adamant opposer of naps I'd love to nap in the afternoon and then go late at night, but naps mess me up. I feel gross and disoriented the rest of the day when I nap and that's no good.

This makes me happy

2008-11-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

marriedtothesea.com

Everybody's working for the weekend

2008-11-19T04:01:00.001-08:00

I'm so proud of myself for yesterday. I not only went to the gym, but I walked there and back, which is 15 minutes there and 15 minutes back by foot. I worked out on the elliptical for 60 minutes and burned over 500 calories, then plus probably another 100 from the walking. Oh man, I was proud. It was not easy to finish those 60 minutes at the gym though.

It paid off though. All I had to eat yesterday was a banana, some popcorn, a breakfast burrito, and four Tim Tam Slams. Tim Tams are available in America (only at Target) now! It was my first time trying them by suggestion of a dear friend. I bought both the chocolate and caramel flavors and did the slams with hot cocoa. It's really fucking good. Even if you're trying to lose weight, I recommend trying it at least once. But by eating those four with the hot cocoa definitely erased all the working out I did. But it's just like I had the banana, popcorn and burrito then. Yay for working out and still getting to eat my sweets!

I'm still trying to get the hang of this working out thing. I don't know when I should be doing it. I like the idea of doing it in the morning, but it's so busy and that makes me want to get out of the gym as quick as possible. I could do it in the middle of the day, but I don't want to shower and get all prettied up twice. So I think what I'm going to do is at night and then take a shower and go to bed. It's not that I mind showering twice, I love feeling clean, I just don't want to do my hair and make-up twice.

I weighed in at 141.4 pounds this morning when I woke up and yes, I woke up really early, it was like 3am, but I went to bed around 7pm, so it makes sense. I don't want to get my hopes up that that is my actual weight right now, but I hope it is. That would mean that I'm finally in the normal weight range again. (Phew!) But again, I'm not counting on that. I'm just going to wait it out and see if it stays at that or below until I get really excited over it. I'm still hoping to be at least 139 pounds when I go back home for the holidays, but it seems a lot more feasible now that I weighed in at 141 pounds this morning, but we'll see. That gives me a full week to lose two pounds and not only is that healthy, but when I first start losing weight it comes off quick, so it is probably completely do-able for me and my body.

I'm even feeling thinner from working out. I like it. Granted I have only just started back up again. I did about 50 minutes on Sunday and 60 minutes yesterday(plus the 30 minutes of walking). I hope to do another 60 minutes tonight and finally figure out the best time to go to the gym for me. It would be nice if I had a car. I could go whenever I wanted. The bus situation also makes it awkward for me to go, I can't go between 1:30am-5:30am(which oddly enough would be really great for me) and I don't shower at the gym still, maybe some day I'll work up the courage to shower in a locker room, but I'm not there yet, so I don't want to get back on the bus all sweaty and gross, especially when it's full like it is in the morning and a good chunk of the evening.

Ok, I'm off to make another breakfast burrito. I think this is just going to be the week of the breakfast burritos. They're yummy though!

Whaaa???

2008-11-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

Whoa. So I'm getting ready to go to the store to pick up some supplies to make a breakfast burrito and I was writing out a list to see if I wanted anything else and I kept going over the normal things I crave; chocolate, cupcakes, ice cream, etc. and I don't even want any of that. I'm blown away by that. Like I don't even really want to buy it for later when I do crave those things. Weird. I don't know if I'm growing as a person and realizing how to eat normal, or if I'm just feeling like this right now. I hope it's the first one. :)

Alright, breakfast burrito time!

Hey, long time no see, or blog, or whatever

2008-11-17T02:29:00.000-08:00

I'm actually doing ok.

I got sick last weekend(not the one that just ended, the week before), which added to my regular apathy when it comes to exercise. I have still been all coughy and tired all week. But I finally got back on that work out wagon yesterday.

I'm on a weirdo sleeping schedule again. Doing the daytime sleeping and waking up in the evenings. It's obnoxious, but I think in about two days I should be back to normal. But what that does allow me to do is go to the gym at odd times when it's not full and then come home and shower.

Exercising yesterday was fantastic. I really didn't think I'd make it all the way through, I felt crampy and worn out soon after I started and for at least the first thirty minutes. Then when I switched from podcasts to music on my iPod I got all revved up. It was great. The first half of my work outs are always the hardest. I'm hoping that once I get back into a bit of a routine with it, it will be easier. It usually is.

Eating is going pretty friggin' great actually. I've decided only to keep healthy cereal, milk, and lots of fruits and veggies in the old apartment and then go out to eat once a day or if I'm really craving something I'll get that. Otherwise I basically just keep the stuff out of my apartment and I'm not tempted and so far, so good. But I've only been able to do this for the past week since I got sick and had crackers and soup and 7Up and all of those sick supplies, but they're all gone now. So I should be good to go.

I'm going to be back home in Montana from November 26-January 2. I might go crazy being there that long, but my mom got a treadmill, so at least I'll be able to run while I'm there. Her and her husband live out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of wild animals and dirt roads that I don't want to run on, so I'm glad she's got the treadmill. And you'd think since I'm a member of a HUGE chain gym I'd be ok, but nope, Billings still sucks balls and replaced the 24 Hour Fitness with an Oz gym. Lame! But chances are I wouldn't have worked out as much as I should have there anyway. Since as I said my mom lives in the middle of nowhere (or 20 minutes out of town).

My face looks chubbier to me for some reason. Even though I'm still the same weight I always seem to be hovering around. I'm hoping to be below 140 pounds by the time I go back, but I don't know how that will work out. I'm about 143 pounds right now, so 4 pounds in 9 days is a bit much, but I seem to lose weight fairly quickly once I try. Then by the time I get back here in January I'm hoping to be about 133 pounds, which I think will be do-able, but hard since I'll be out with my friends most nights.

Then once I get below 130 pound I'm finally going to get my Oregon ID, I've told myself ever since I moved here that once I got below 130 pounds I'd get my new ID(so I could be honest on my weight, hehe) and I haven't been that weight yet. So hopefully it will happen next year, so I can stop looking like such a Montanan...a chubby Montanan.

I think I still want to get down to 112 pounds, but honestly if I'm around 120 pounds I will be happy. Especially if I'm a fit 120 pounds. I can't really say for sure the exact weight I want to get down to, just until I'm happy with the way I look and feel. Mostly what my problem is with is my belly and I would love to lose weight in my boobs too, but from previous weight loss experience I think these C's are here to stay. Oh well. I also feel like my legs are too big too, specifically my calves, but I don't necessarily see them as fat, they're kind of thick, which is disgusting, but I can't do too much about that, can I? So I'm going to work on my belly and just wear pants all the time. What I do enjoy about my body is that it's fairly proportionate, I might be a little smaller on top, but I'm not a pear shape at all and if I am I'm not the typical one.

Ok, that's all, I guess. I'll be back soon with updates on how I'm doing. My belly is growling right now though.

2008-10-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

It would be a lie if I denied my peanut butter cup explosion. I've had about a million since buying them earlier today. To be far though I didn't have much else. An apple and some whole wheat organic mac and cheese made with vanilla soy milk, which wasn't as bad as you might think, just sweeter than regular old mac and cheese. But yeah, that's all I've had all day.

I'm hoping to work out three more times this week though to make up for it. Since I'm averaging about twice a week, I'd like to double that this week because of this binge.

I'm kind of pissed, I weighed-in pretty good yesterday and this morning and I fucked it all up with the binge. And I feel uncomfortable now too. :(

Taking daydreaming to a new level

2008-10-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm on a weird day-sleeping schedule again. I worked out around 3am this morning for a little over an hour, ate a few hours later, made some plans, got some things done, then finally fell asleep around 1pm and woke up at 3pm, then decided to go back to sleep and woke up again around 7pm. Got up and weighed myself, was pretty pleased with what I saw, even though it was clearly because the only thing I had eaten in the past, like, 18 hours was oatmeal and 2 plums and I had worked off more than the amount that food equaled in calories earlier. Then I ate a little whole wheat pasta, a small salmon patty, and a salad a little bit ago. And now I'm drinking some Kombucha, it's not as bad as I remember the last time I had it, but it's still not the best thing ever. It's supposed to be really good for you though, so I'm drinking it and I have four left in my fridge still from my last shopping trip, so I need to drink them sometime.

I'm still craving chocolate though. All the time. I have such a sweet tooth. I could go the rest of my life without salty junk food, I really don't even crave it, I don't eat fast food, I've been avoiding mostly all fried foods for a long time now, I rarely ever eat chips or anything like that, but I need my sweets.

I need to get back on track, sleeping-wise. I'm signed up to volunteer in the morning on Friday and then on Tuesday I'm going to Seattle in the afternoon. So my day-sleeping won't work out for either of those things.

Fuckin hell

2008-10-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing so great. At all. :( I'm not even calling them "binges" anymore. It's just how I eat. I overeat. Every single day. It sucks. I'm thinking of throwing out all of my food and only going to the store when I have something specific I want to eat since I'm lazy and I'm having mad cravings lately. What I'm finding to be true lately is that I'm craving something and I end up eating everything else because I don't have what I actually want and I feel like if I just had that thing that I wanted in the first place I wouldn't have overeaten, but I'm not even sure if that's true. Maybe I would have gotten that ice cream(or whatever), but still wanted something else after that. I feel gluttonous and disgusting. I can't stop. And I feel like those people who tell me to just give in to my cravings are telling me to give in to this spoiled little girl inside of me and it's doing more harm than good, I always give in to her and look where it's gotten me, but I also don't want to deprive that little girl, I don't want to deprive myself because I know that's just setting me up for failure, so I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to find a happy medium. I don't trust myself to do things in moderation. I've tried and failed so many fucking times and I'm sick of it.

I really hate food right now and I'm sick of having to have it. I've went ten days without it before, I don't see why I can't do that again. I just want to go on a fast so that I can get my appetite in check again. What I really want to do is eat normal, just for three weeks, because they say it takes three weeks to start a habit, or kick a habit, either way you look at it.

Work out with your mix out!

2008-10-18T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm stoked to make a work out mix. Like, super stoked! I know I'm going to put some David Bowie and Joan Jett for sure, which is kind of weird for me but I've been in a 70s/80s mood lately. I go through phases like this often, I get fixated on something and then move on to the next soon after. The songs I want on this mix are going to be ones that make me want to get up and dance and move around. I think it will be inspiring. I can work out to any music though. That's no big d'. I'm not picky, but I think this mix will be awesome, I'll post the track list or maybe maybe muxtape...oh wait, are they still fucked up from too many people using it? Either way, it will be on here in one way or another. Hopefully in an audio way.

Good and bad

2008-10-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

I worked out again last night. Which was great, but I've been overeating every day, except for Monday and I felt 100% better that day. There's that and the fact that yesterday and Thursday were the only days I've actually worked out since getting my gym membership a week ago, but last night I really didn't want to and did it anyway, so that was great.

I spent way too much on groceries that I really shouldn't have been eating this week too, which upsets me.

I don't know why I keep doing this. I want to lose weight so badly. And I hate food so much, but for some reason I keep going back to it. I should start some other habit. Not smoking or drinking or drugs though. Some healthy habit would be good. An exercise habit would be nice, but not really as achievable as I'd like. I'm thinking of a habit that I can do as often as I mindlessly eat, which would be easy to supplement a drinking or smoking habit with that, but I don't really want to harm my body. I just want to lose weight and feel healthy. Is that so much to ask?

I think any habit I can do at home isn't going to help because I'll still be able to help. Maybe I should really start working again or volunteering or something to keep me away from food. I think it would be hard for anyone who's home all day long to stay away from the cupboards and fridge, right? It's not just my failing discipline, anyone would have this problem, yep, that's that, I've decided. I also need to live with people again, I think. I always seems to graze less when there are other people living with me.

So basically I'm saying what I have been saying for the past year. I need a job. I need to lose weight. I need to interact with people more. Oh bother. I'm just so lazy and unfocused that it makes it really hard.

I'm restarting today(again), but this time it's different

2008-10-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

I rented my zipcar this morning and went to work out at 5am. It was tough, not the getting up at 5am part, I was up at 4:30 already, but working out was. I really wanted to quit for the first 10 minutes, but my embarrassment of quitting so soon with people surrounding me kept me going and it wasn't so bad after those first 10 minutes. If I didn't care what people thought of me I wouldn't have had it in me to keep going. I continued at it for 45 minutes, I was on what I think is the elliptical machine, I burned 300 calories and went for 3.5 miles. Awesome! And I sweat my ass off. I felt like I could have done more, but two things stopped me from doing so. One, I had to get the car back, and two, I'm just starting out and I know you're supposed to take it slow. I felt good though.

It didn't help my eating though, I was still craving not the healthiest foods. I came home and had a clementine and more water, then showered, then had the baked potato and chik'n patty from last night. Then a granola bar soon after that. I mean, it's not the worst thing I could be eating. I had chocolate sitting on my kitchen counter even, but I felt like I could have done better. At least I'm working out now. That's something.

It's a shame, I started off the day with such good intentions too

2008-10-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

Fuck. I had a binge. Again. The shittiest part about it is that I was going to work out this morning, but I was too self-conscious to get on the bus to go to the gym without my make-up on, so instead I stayed home and ate. :(

I guess this morning working out idea isn't going to work out, I'll just have to do it at the end or in the middle of the day after I've already gotten ready and don't look like poo. Goddamn it sucks not having a car of my own.

I feel sick from my binge. I had trail mix, a PB sandwich, a veggie and cheese pita, a spinach and "chik'n" salad, and chocolate. Oi, I feel like shit. Then the normal breakfast when I first woke up around 4am, but that was long before the binging started and I was feeling decent about life. Now I feel shitty.

Goddamnfuckshitasscuntbitchcockfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Goddamnit I feel shitty. My belly is protruding ever so grotesquely over my jeans and my stomach is upset and I feel the food rising to my throat. I want to puke. I did a little, but I'm trying not to. Overeating is bad enough without adding bulimia into it.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much right now.

I hate that I want ice cream really badly right now too. I do and I don't. I don't know why my brain and my body can't work together.

Sleepin' weird again

2008-10-06T23:17:00.000-07:00

My sleeping habits are completely opposite of what they should be. Today I fell asleep around 1pm and woke up at 7:30pm. I'm not sure how to count the calories that way, so what I've been doing is just counting the actual day I eat it towards that day, like today I had food this morning before I fell asleep and after I woke up, but it all counts towards today. Normally what I do is count everything from when I wake up until I go to sleep towards that day, but this weirdo schedule is throwing me off. So hopefully tomorrow I'll be back on track. I say that every day though, so we'll see.

Eating has been going fairly well though with my bizarre sleeping schedule. I'm sleeping or Sims-ing too much to overeat, so just eat when I get hungry, which is what I should always do. I wish I knew how to stop overeating without distracting myself from it because that's not really fixing the problem, it's just putting a bandage on it and once I stop I'm afraid I'll resort back to my old ways.

I just signed up for a gym membership online at 24 Hour Fitness because they had a one day special where I only have to pay $29.99 to sign up and $29.99/month, so I figured that's as cheap as it's going to get for me. So I'm a gym member again.

Nerd alert!

2008-10-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

I've been too busy with Sims 2 to worry about (over)eating. I just bought it a couple days ago and yesterday I spent about 12 hours straight playing it. God, I'm a nerd!!!

Not so happy update

2008-10-04T14:10:00.001-07:00

Son of a bitch. I had another binge. I'm pissed. Three days of binging after nearly a week of decent behavior. :(

I'm going to get a gym membership tomorrow. I'm feeling cheap enough lately that I feel like I'll have to go work out if I'm paying for the membership. And I have plenty of time on my hands being unemployed and all. I'm going to try to look for a job next week too though, so I may have less time, but until then I have plenty. So I can save up some money before going back to school full-time in January, I have to save up for my trip to New York in a few months! :) I also want to lose some weight before then too. I want to lose at least ten pounds before going back home in December also.

We'll see how things go from here on out, in terms of food. I think once I start working out I'll want to eating cleaner and healthier. It seemed that way the last time, at least. But I'm not expecting anything. I should stop saying these "plans", I'm going to try to stick with saying what I have done and stop saying what I will do.

Confession

2008-10-03T05:40:00.001-07:00

So I had a stupid binge. Technically (maybe) two. Yesterday(which I'm saying was Wednesday because it's still Thursday night to me since I haven't slept yet) I had over 2100 calories, which wasn't awful, but I was thinking "Ok tomorrow I'll just have to do really well." Well tomorrow came(which was today) and I had a massive binge, like I didn't even count the calories because I knew they were so high. I had a million Rolos and mini York Peppermint Patties. A bunch of Sun Chips. Two sandwiches. Two hard-boiled eggs. A bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats. A banana and a nectarine, which was good, but just added more calories.

I threw out the rest of the Sun Chips, Rolos, and mini Peppermint Patties after I was about halfway done with all of them. So it's back to no junk food in my apartment. I guess I just have to do that for awhile. I think that should be an official rule for me, actually. NO JUNK FOOD IN EL CASA DE AMBRE (note: I only vaguely understand what I said in my makeshift Spanish, so I might have made a fool of myself with that statement)

I'm still so uncomfortably full though and it's been hours since that binge. I'm just so pissed off that this happened again. I thought I had such control over this. I felt confident and strong for so long, or what felt like so long, but really was only like five days. I guess I'll take what I can get though. Those five days I was feeling the best I had felt in about five months...maybe even longer.

I just wish I didn't have to consciously work at this and I could be a normal fucking person, at least with food. I feel stupid and crazy for my behaviors. I don't know anyone personally who struggles with food the way I do, then when I go to the therapist I feel like an idiot because I know it's not that serious(I feel like it's nothing compared to the other crazies who they see and I'm wasting their time and mine), but even with it's mild level of severity, I know it's not normal or healthy or smart. Otherwise I wouldn't seek out the therapy in the first place.

Wednesday check-in

2008-10-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have done pretty well these past few days. I've had chocolate and ice cream, but it was all well within my calorie range by the end of the day. I'm feeling so strong, like, emotionally and mentally, which is odd for me, but I'm loving it. Now, I just need to tackle feeling physically strong. I'm still not sure if I should get a gym membership or just try to do it on my own. I think I'm going to go check out two gyms that are relatively close to my apartment tomorrow and if I feel like I could actually go to either I might sign up. If not, I'm going to have to get serious and focus and do it on my own.

I weighed in today, fully clothed, slightly lower than I weighed on Sunday, which is good, but not close enough to this weeks goal yet. But I'm rocking with food, so I'm not terribly worried about it. Once I incorporate exercise I'll be unstoppable.

How I did on Sunday

2008-09-29T03:21:00.000-07:00

I did well today. I had around 1100 calories. No real bad cravings. I was at the grocery store earlier looking at ice cream, but didn't feel the need to buy any. I was also going to get cheese to make cheese and broccoli, but didn't get that either. This apathetic attitude toward food is working for me right now.

Checkin' in

2008-09-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

I did good yesterday. Well, in terms of not overeating. My belly was a growlin' a bit for part of the day though and not necessarily on purpose, I wasn't starving myself, but I was out for most of the day and I didn't want any of the junk food or large servings from eating out, so I just avoided eating.

I had to stay up all day because there are constantly people in my apartment now and I can't be home while they're here, well I probably could be, but it would be awkward since I'm a day-sleeper. I'm going to be so pissed if they do what they did to me last year in my old apartment and raise the rent nearly 50% therefore forcing me out. I am sort of pissed at what they did recently though. I pay $660/month for everything included, which is so nice, I love not having to pay utilities on my own. But recently they decided to make us pay for our own electricity, therefore jacking up the rent price by not making it budge when they forced us to pay electricity. I hate when apartment companies do that to me. Anyway, not the point of this, my mind wandered.

So from staying up all day I don't recall what I actually ate yesterday and what I counted as the day before. Because I count everything up until I go to bed as what I ate for that day on normal days. What I do know I had when I got home was a clementine, a 2 pack granola bar, a baked potato with light ranch(made from light sour cream), not all at once, but within like five hours, which sort of felt like a lot. I'm really trying to focus on my hunger levels and not giving into cravings, especially when I'm not hungry.

I slept a lot last night. I went to bed around 11pm and woke up today at 2pm. I have ridiculous sleeping patterns now. I think it was because I went so long without sleep the night before. But the reason I even bring that up is because I always eat when I wake up because I keep hearing that breakfast is so good for you, but the thing is, I'm usually not hungry when I get up, even if I have slept for fifteen hours.

Jeez, I haven't eaten for like seventeen hours then, no wonder I didn't weight-in as much as I thought I would. But I'm listening to my body now. If it's hungry I'll give it food, if it's not I will try to resist my cravings. Yesterday I wanted a burrito from this place that is notorious for making unnecessarily HUGE burritos, but I didn't get it. Yay me! Until I can learn how to eat only until until I'm satisfied and not just finish the entire thing no matter what, I'm not allowing myself to go out to eat because the servings are generally much bigger than they should be.

Even though I said I'm not going to make plans and write about them in here, I sort of am, just less so than what I was doing before. Like I'll make the plans and stick with it and not just keep making new plans that won't happen either after every failed attempt. I'm laying off the chocolate, bread, and crackers, possibly cereal too(except maybe bran cereals), I'm taking it easy on cheese too just because of the fattening effects of it, but not completely because cheese is yummy and in lots of vegetarian recipes. I wanted to try to do the vegan thing again, but I failed terribly at it the last time and it was really frustratrating and I may have even ended up gaining weight because I wasn't allowed to have so much "normal" food that I overcompensated with vegan-friendly food. So I think I'm just going to try to stay away from fish and be a real vegetarian. I mean I've stayed away from meat for years now and it's not like I hated the taste of any of it, so I know I have it in me to do this.

Ok, I'm starting to get hungry now. See, listening to the body, atta girl. :)

It's a bust, or maybe I'm a bust

2008-09-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

Therapy isn't going as well as I'd hoped. :( I'm not sure if it's the chemistry or what, but something is off and I feel like I can't be wasting $100/session on something that I'm just not feeling.

I've been watching The Biggest Loser since the new season started and my prediction is that Michelle(from the pink team) is going to be one of the last ones standing, I'm not sure why exactly. She's so well-spoken, sweet, intelligent, and really seems like she's going to work hard. I also think Coleen(from the yellow team) will be one of the last ones too and I really like her dad, he's polite and I think works as hard as he can, although I think when they split she'll stick around and he'll be voted out. I'm rooting for the purple team too, I love them both! I'm afraid that the guy from the brown team is going to last for awhile(I don't like him at all).

I haven't been doing so hot myself. I've been doing better at getting back to counting my calories again though. I'm not completely back, but most days I'm tracking what I'm eating, even if I'm not staying under the calories I need to stay under. I'm not exercising yet either. I keep planning on it, but keep putting it off. Story of my life. Hopefully next time I check in I'll have better things to say about what I have done. Nothing too extraordinary right now though.

Restarting is my middle name

2008-09-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

I met with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I think it's going to be good. I've just met with her once and I'm nervous to schedule the first real appointment, but I know I need this.

I've restarted my weight loss journey yet again. Yesterday I did good, the first time in weeks I've actually been able to refrain from overeating, I think part of it was my hang over and partly because I actually hung out with people for the first time in over a month. I'm such a loser these days. I have no friends and I think the food fills that void. Hah, I guess I can save that talk for my therapist though.

I don't want to say stuff and make plans about things that I'm going to fail at again, so from now on I think I'm just going to do the work and then write about what I've actually done instead of what I plan to do. Although by saying that that's sort of a plan too, isn't it? Oh hell.

Breakfast at 2am?

2008-09-07T01:31:00.000-07:00

The Core Plan still rocks, even though I want some cookies or candy right now. Must. Fight. Urge.

So what I tracked yesterday was all I had to eat all day. I ended up falling asleep around 5pm, not hungry the entire time I was still up. I woke up around 12:30am today, which is getting closer to being on track, I think one more day and I'll be there. But I didn't wake up hungry either, now I'm sort of getting there so I'm making some breakfast. I don't see why oat bran pancakes can't be a core food.

It's kind of funny. I don't know how much food to make because I know how much I want, but I don't know how much will put me at that satisfied level I'm aiming for.

What I think is going to happen with this core food plan is that it's going to teach me to eat better. I think for the first week or maybe even the first few weeks I won't see much of a weight loss, but I'll be eating better and listening to my body, but I think over time I'll gradually get back to my more normal weight that I was at a few years ago, which isn't my goal weight, but it's good enough and who knows maybe by that time I'll be ready to count calories again(I don't even want to think of it now though).

2:00am: 1.5 oat bran pancakes(yum!), 2 red potatoes seasoned with salt and pepper, slice of sharp cheddar (I was about a 4 after finishing that, next time I know to have only one potato, then I would be at a 3 probably, I'm not uncomfortably full though, which is a start)

The Core Plan rocks!

2008-09-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept yet(since yesterday). I'm so tired though. I only slept for a couple of hours yesterday and thought I'd end up going back to sleep for a bit last night. That didn't happen. What did happen is that I finished off the cake. That's right an entire cake in a day. That's a new one for me even, but at least it's gone now and it was relatively early in the night, probably midnight or so.

I was starving by the time I got back from the bookstore this morning, I guess I don't need to say what I made because I'm still tracking it in here. It was so good though. I love when I'm actually hungry when I eat and I can appreciate how yummy food is.

I don't know if I said this yesterday or not, but I switched plans on Weight Watchers. I can't express how much I love the Core Plan as opposed to the Flex Plan and counting calories and basically just the normal way I work. I'm not sure if it's because of the actual plan or if it's because it's a change and I don't have to count anything, which is such a relief. Seriously. I love a lot of things about the plan though. I love that you rate your hunger level before and after the meal. I've tried to do it in my head before, but it never worked out, this is working so far. I was probably between a 0 and 1 when I got home this morning before I ate and when I got done eating I was at a 3 and it was nice. Normally I eat to at least a 4, lately it's been more like 5, but there is nothing wrong with stopping at 3, in fact it's a lot nicer. I actually feel comfortable. I just need to constantly be at a 3 comfort level. I hope that this listening and responding to my body thing will work out well instead of obsessing over every last calorie and measuring every single thing, not that I ever was too strict with, I was at one point in my life, but I think I just got too sick of it and hated it too much to continue. I think this plan is way better. I get to eat as much as I like, as long as it's a core food. I love this! :D

It seems lame that I'm this excited over the Core Plan. I guess it's just the perfect thing for me. Well, I shouldn't say that until I know for sure, but I like the idea of it and the first meal went well and I'm actually thinking about my hunger levels. Like just a few minutes ago I was going to get something to eat to give me energy to help me stay up, but I realized I'm not hungry at all. I'm still at a 3 and it's been a good three and a half hours since I ate. Normally I'm eating all the time, when I'm not hungry, just because I feel like I should. I don't need to do anything I don't feel like...and not in the bratty way, in the logical way, like if my body doesn't feel like it needs food, it probably doesn't need food. If it wants something sweet, that's probably ok too as long as I don't go overboard and I pay attention to how much I'm eating. Like the other day with the brownie, after about two bits I was thinking "I could stop now, I satisfied my craving and I'm not even hungry", but I didn't stop, I ate the entire thing. I could have saved it an split it through one or two more snacking sessions, but I ate the entire 360 calories in one sitting.

I know I still have to track my food, but I really don't mind it and I'm trying not to think about the calories. Part of me knows around what it is, but I'm not letting myself think about it enough to figure it out. There was a point in my life, when I was heavy into my anorexia/bulemia in high school where I could literally tell you the calorie content of any food, even if I didn't previously know the calorie amount in that food, I was just so obsessed with all the values that I could figure anything out within a 10 calorie range just in my mind, it was kind of crazy. But I lost weight. Crazy, but effective.

11:00am: scrambled eggs, spinach, veg-sausage patty

Almost

2008-09-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up about an hour ago, but I fell asleep around 4pm, so that's only a few hours of sleep and I'm hoping I'll be able to fall asleep later tonight and wake in the morn', like a norm'.

8:00pm- two pieces of chocolate cake, cup fat free milk (I swear, that's all the cake I'm having, I'll throw the last three pieces out, that's literally all I've had to eat today, even if we're counting from this morning instead of just after I woke up)

I'm back on track now though. I just really needed that big splurge. Now I'm all like "Fruits and veggies and grains, oh my!" So I'm hoping I'll just go to sleep with my belly full of cake and wake up tomorrow and be like "Yeah exercise! Yeah healthy food!" when really I'll begrudgingly eat the good stuff for me and maybe walk a little more than normal. It's better than nothing, right?

I know I'm going to have to accept a gain this Sunday and just work hard towards a bigger loss next week. Who knows maybe I'll just maintain, I have tomorrow to do a little damage control.

Someday I'll be normal, or at least more normal than I am now

2008-09-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hey who has a completely fucked sleeping schedule, raise your hand. *raises hand* It's so stupid. Today it was like 11am until 7pm, who does that?! I think I'm in a good position to be able to stay up all day tomorrow and then hopefully be back on track. It will help my night munchies if I do this two, but I looked at yesterdays eating and it was exactly 12 hours flipped, I had my breakfast at 6pm, my lunch at 1am and my dinner and 9am. Weird! I didn't even mean to do it like that, that's just when I was hungry. I'm hoping to flip that again and have my breakfast around 6am, lunch around 1pm, and dinner around 9pm. So I'm going to make a plan today to keep me busy all day tomorrow, I have a feeling it's going to revolve a lot around running around town getting errands done, which is exceptionally time consuming when you take public transportation instead of having your own car. Oh and I'm also going to a movie, I know that already, but I'll have to go to the earliest one so I don't fall asleep during the movie because that's been known to happen at later movies when I'm trying to reset my schedule. I have weirdo sleeping habits and I seem to have to reset myself at least once a month. This time it will stick and not only that I will develop new and good eating habits as well.

7:30pm - pineapple, hard-boiled egg
I don't know the times for the rest of the food, but here it is(not necessarily in order): plucot, grapes, 4 slices nine grain bread, Earth Balance, peanut butter, 2 chik'n patties, light ranch, half of a chocolate cake, 3 glasses fat free milk -- I think that's it, I forgot to write it down as I was eating it and it was from Thursday night until Friday afternoon, which was the entire time I was awake

Queen of re-starting

2008-09-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

I want to go back to my frame of mind in end of June/beginning of July when I lost that initial ten pounds, now I've gained five of those back. I was staying around 1200 calories and feeling good and positive. I don't know what's wrong now. I'm going to try to stick to the simple goals of no junk food(specifically no chocolate) and absolutely no overeating that I started out with then, I eventually upped the goals to a few more things, but those two are the most important. I should just go back to those goals, which were:
1-No candy or junk food(which I don't do other than candy) or overeating
2-30 minute daily walk (more exercise in general)
3-Get on a regular sleeping schedule (11pm-6am, preferably)
4-No more than twice a week drinking alcohol
~~5-Drink only water, tea, or milk (and two alcoholic beverages per week)~~ I don't think I need to reinforce that one, I always do well with that, I pretty much strictly drink water anyway

So I'm going to start taking pictures of my food and probably do my weigh-in videos and do the weekly wrap-ups and all of that that I did when I was super serious about this. I need to. I'm so sick of being the way I currently am.

Shit

2008-09-03T18:59:00.001-07:00

I was trying to stay up all day so I could go to bed early, that didn't happen. I fell asleep around noon, so I ended up waking up around 6pm. Blerg.

I went over my points again yesterday and I'm now 19 over my weekly points allowance because of it. I'm ok with it though because I only had 1500-some calories, which is fine, so I need to calm down. After switching everything around yesterday and counting my binge early in the morning before bed as the day before, like I normally would, it made Monday's calorie total like 2300, which is a bit excessive, I know.

I feel like my heart and mind and focus isn't totally in this right now and I wish it was. I know what I need to do and I just keep doing the wrong things, even though I know they're wrong. Maybe I'm just doing this all for the wrong reasons. I do want to get healthy, but it's always been about losing weight to me. I wish I could get my head in the game and do it to get healthy. I wish there was a switch I could turn on in my brain to allow me to think that way.

6:30pm - 2 slices whole grain bread, peanut butter, watermelon
7:30pm - chik'n patty
9:30pm - raspberry sorbet, hard boiled egg
1:00am - salmon, zucchini, squash, carrots, orzo (way too much, but oh so good and I didn't force myself to puke it back up, so hooray for that!)
2:00am - many many Otter Pops
9:00am - 3 slices bread w/Earth Balance, cottage cheese (I'm counting it as yesterday because it was still before I went to bed)

I'll stop doing a split update from now on

2008-09-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

For some idiotic reason I changed everything around and added the binge onto yesterday instead so I could eat more normally today. But then I had a bit of a sorbet and chocolate fiasco, a delicious fiasco, but a fiasco nonetheless. I'm so full. :(

So with me switching everything around, I used up all of my flex points yesterday and I'm 3 points over my weekly allowance now, so maybe if I'm a point under for three days I'll get those back...? I don't know how this works, it's my first week. I'm allowed to be a little rocky my first week right? This is me getting back to it and trying to find a balance of not starving and not stuffing myself and allowing myself treats, but not all the time because then they're not exactly treats anymore. That's the toughest thing with me. I can't say no to yummy sweets. I'm sad because I think I may have to just cut myself completely off of the sweets until I lose the weight. It's really the only way for me. And part of my ten goals that I already forgot were to not have sweets. So let me restate my goals so I have them ingrained into my brain.

1) No overeating - not doing so good
2) Hula hoop daily - again, not so good
3) No junk food, specifically sweets - I suck, let's just say that right now
4) No beverages besides water, tea, and nonfat milk (alcohol on occasion too) - I'm always good on this one, yes! I don't suck at everything
5) Eat balanced meals - oh yeah, oh wait no
6) Shower daily and go outside - not really, except yesterday
7) Try to eat mostly only clean, real, whole foods - better than a week ago, actually
8) Eat out no more than once a week - that's usually not a big problem, so I'm doing fine with that too
9) Drink a gallon of water per day - no, I'm having trouble with this, but I am drinking at least 10 cups
10) Track food - yes! Thank goodness, something I'm actually doing, even if my actual food-intake isn't going so swimmingly

Not all hope is lost

2008-09-02T15:19:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I had a bit of a binge this morning before going to bed, which normally I'd count towards yesterday's points/calories, but I'm counting it towards today's points and only eating small portions of fruits and veggies to keep my points as low as possible. And I'm hoping to actually hit the 21 point mark the rest of this week, so let's hope that will happen.

I know what I did wrong the last few days. I've had too many extra oils that I didn't need and then I had the brownie yesterday, which was 9 points, 9 points of goodness, might I add, then the binge this morning. So I just need to cut out the Earth Balance and have my toast dry, stop overeating(duh), and try to limit my sweets, I mean it will be better to have half today and half tomorrow instead of the whole thing at once anyway. I need to get serious about this weight loss.

So here's my binge, plus whatever else I eat today, which won't be much. Thank goodness for fruits and veggies being low in calories and zero if you don't have too much.

6:30am - Special K with fat free milk, Tofurky and lettuce sandwich on whole grain bread, Annie's White Cheddar Bunny Crackers

5:30pm - watermelon, pineapple
6:30pm - tofurky/swiss/lettuce sandwich with light ranch on nine grain bread, hard-boiled egg
7:00pm - dark chocolate bar, raspberry sorbet
4:30am - chik'n patty, light ranch, carrots
6:30am - Wheat Chex, fat free milk

I may have a new plan. I don't know if it will stick or not, but what I'm going to do is try to make new healthy recipes to try out, so that I look forward to eating a delicious meal, instead of just trying to stuff as much mediocre food in my body as possible. It sounds significantly better in theory, I know, but when it comes down to it we'll just have to see what happens.

I'll always know what I've had to eat

2008-09-01T15:14:00.000-07:00

Weight Watchers is going well. Sure, I've only been on it for a day and a half. I did have 25 points yesterday and my daily points are supposed to be 21, but I have the 35 flex points for the week, so I'm just being lenient on my daily allowance. I'm still tracking my calories and at 25 points it's about 1500 calories, which is ok because according to Spark People I'm within my calorie range (1200-1550) for weight-loss.

I really want a good blueberry muffin, I was thinking about making some and freezing them, but I'm worried about my willpower standing up with muffins in the house. I don't know what I'll do yet. I should get some groceries tonight anyway. I've been living mostly on dairy and grains these past couple days. I need some fruit and veggies STAT.

So I'm tracking my food on the Weight Watchers website and Spark People and now in here too, but hopefully less obsessively and not in terms of seeing how much I'm eating so much as what and when I'm eating.

2:00pm - 2 slices whole grain bread, 1 T. Earth Balance, 1 hard-boiled egg
8:45pm - brownie
11:00pm - tofurky/swiss/lettuce on 2 slices of nine grain bread, .5 c. Annie's white cheddar crackers
2:30am - Sir Isaac Lime Otter Pop (how much of an adult do I sound like?)

So I'm like a Weight Watcher now, I guess

2008-08-31T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm finally and literally putting my money where my mouth is. I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I was sick of my timid socially phobic excuses for not going to the in-person meetings I had planned on doing. So I decided to sign up online. The page is still loading though. After well over five minutes. I tried refreshing it once, but I don't want to refresh it again, what if it charges me three times? I an easily explain a double charge to my credit card, but triple charge? That's just tom-foolery. So we'll see how this goes. Hopefully well. But I did feel kind of deceiving when it asked if I currently have a diagnosis of bulimia I said no, technically no doctor has ever diagnosed me with it though.

Also there's this
1:00am - 2 Tbsp peanut butter, 1 apple, and 2 small bites of a Luna bar

So today I haven't had enough water, but I had a good balance of foods, I think. I'm satisfied with what I ate today.

Stay positive!

2008-08-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

I slept in until 5pm today. Well, not really, but I stayed in bed until then. I quit my job. And by quit my job I mean I stopped going. I suck.

I'm bringing back the tracking what I eat, so without further ado, here it goes
5:30pm - 2 slices whole grain toast, 1 Tbsp of Earth Balance buttery spread, 1.5 c. Frosted Shredded Bite Size Wheats, 1 c. milk -- I know it was way too many calories in one sitting, especially with no fruits or veggies, but I woke up extremely late in the day and don't plan on eating a ton more tonight and hopefully it will only be fruits and veggies

Oh yeah, I thought of two other goals to make it an even ten now.
9) Drink a gallon of water per day
10) Track food (that actually wasn't the goal I had in mind a minute ago, but I forgot what it was now that I went to type it)

11:00pm - 2.5 c. mashed cauliflower, 2 Tbsp ranch(made with light sour cream), 1 Tbsp roasted flax seeds -- this was a total makeshift experiment on the mashed cauliflower replacement for mashed potatoes, but I didn't have a lot of ingredients and I don't have a food processor or blender

Plus side of all of this, I didn't even realize it had been so long since I ate. Turns out I don't need to eat all day long. Who'da known?

I'm totally craving something sweet now(11:15pm), but I'm going to resist the urge. Stay strong!

Oh please let my hopeful wishes stick this time

2008-08-29T03:33:00.001-07:00

Alright, I'm hoping I'm back on track now. I feel like I say this in every other blog, but I want it to be true this time. I want it to be true every time, but I really, really hope it is now.

I'm going to call the therapist I've been planning on calling for the past three months either tomorrow or Monday. I need to get this crap worked out. I can't keep binging and purging like this. I had honestly thought I had it under control for awhile, but this past year, specifically this summer it has come back in full force. With junk food and all. I had been so good on junk food part for so long. Years even, well that went to crap this year. I don't know what's wrong with my brain lately. I have hardly eaten anything nutritional these past few weeks. I can't control myself at all, it's all candy and cereal and snacky things. It's disgusting. I know it is.

So I think I need to make some goals. I'm going to try three weeks to change some behaviors and hopefully develop some new, healthy ones. I was going to start on Monday since it's the beginning of the week and the beginning of the month, but I just need to start now. I don't want to put it off any longer. I think I'm still going to weigh in on Sundays like always, but I'm starting my new better, healthy life today.

As for my goals I think I'm going to do:
1) No overeating
2) Hula hoop daily since it's the only exercise that doesn't feel like exercise to me
3) No junk food (meaning no candy, chocolate, ice cream, chips, cakes, pies, cookies, etc.) - even though I bought some energy bars this week for my snacks during the times I work, I guess I'm just not eating those now
4) No beverages besides water, (unsweetened) tea, and nonfat milk - except maybe a night or two of drinking since it's been awhile and I've made plans with some people
5) Eat balanced meals (include a fruit of vegetable in every meal and get enough protein and fiber throughout the day) - three meals per day/two snacks
6) Shower daily and go outside (which sounds simple, but on my days off I like to stay inside all day and waste the day away)
7) Try to eat mostly only clean, real, whole foods (nothing with 20 ingredients of things I don't even know)
8) Eat out no more than once a week (if it does happen to be more than once a week, only healthy options like a light salad or half of the plate instead of the full thing)

I'm not sure if I want to count calories or not. I mean, I don't, obviously, it's frustrating and I get disappointed so easily if I screw up, but it's nice to know if I'm being consistent or not. I wanted to do ten goals, but I guess eight is better. Less is easier. I just didn't really have ten things I could think of. I can always add more on if need be, but those are the eight so far. I don't think I'm going to add on exercise-related stuff until later in my weight loss, you know, besides the hula hooping thing. I just think it's vital that I get this eating thing down and not put too much on my plate at once (hi-oh!)

I feel better than I have a plan now. I really do. So now I just need to stick with it. Go amb! You can do it!

It's been about a month-long binge now

2008-08-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I started my job last week. It's kind of going crappy though and I've eaten junk and have been coming home and overate every day since I started. I need to get my act together.

I'm going grocery shopping tonight, so I'm going to only get good food and hopefully start eating balanced meals again. I seriously have been on a junk food binge lately. It's disgusting and I'm feeling awful. Not just out of guilt, but because of what I'm putting in my body. I have avoided high fructose corn syrup for years and all of a sudden it's like an overload this week. Ick.

So my plan is to stop the junk food. I can't keep doing this if I want to lose weight and especially if I want to feel decently. It's so frustrating because I know what I need to do and there's just this part of me that is so stubborn that just isn't doing what I need to do. I keep eating candy, so much candy, chips, ice cream, etc. It's disgusting. I want to eat clean and healthy, but it's so hard for me for some reason.

I'm hoping I'll be able to jump back on the wagon as soon as I can. I can't say I'm definitely back on track today, but so far, so good. I really have little to no faith in myself these days. I'm awful.

I'm a pig. I'm a disgusting pig.

2008-08-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

OMG! Today was the worst day of all. I literally ate to the point of not being able to eat a single more bite. I'm still so uncomfortably full, this is hours later, mind you, and normally I know I'd be eating right now, whether I was full or not, but it's so extremely uncomfortable today. My belly is protruding in a the most grotesque way, or so it feels. I can practically feel the new stretch marks coming on. I can't recall the last time I ate so much. It was practically all junk too. I had one plum today, that's the only fruit I had. No vegetables. Ice cream, candy, crackers. I make myself sick. No, literally I do. I feel awful.

Of course I vomited, but even with that I'm still full as can be. I hate bulimia. I hate that it's half-assed bulimia too. If I'm going to be disgusting, I might as well go all the way. I think on some sick sadistic level I actually enjoy my bulimia. Why else would I keep it up? I say that like it's a choice I make, when it's not, at least it doesn't ever feel like it is. It's been a part of me for so long, seven years, I believe, and only being 22, that means I've been dealing with this shit for a third of my life. That's longer than anything I can think of that's been a part of me. I change, it seems like everything else changes, but that, that's always there. I know there have been stretches of months where I didn't self-induce vomiting, but it always creeps back up when I start overeating again. If I could quit overeating I'd be golden.

Oh wait, I can think of something that has been a part of me for longer than the bulimia, my cripplingly low self-esteem, ever since (at least) kindergarten I can remember being extremely self-conscious and thinking everyone was better than me. I mean, I'm sure my self-worth issues eventually lead to the eating disorders, but what made me not ever have any amount of respect for myself in the first place? What kind of five-year-old is self-conscious, that's an age when you're supposed to be carefree. I wasn't. I was always this scared, shy little girl.

I'm really into spending money I don't have right now. So I'm thinking about calling the therapist tomorrow and setting up my first appointment! I'm nervous, but I really, truly believe I need that particular kind of help as soon as possible. I'm sick of living my life like this. Not just with my eating issues, but other mental problems too.

Someday soon I think I'm going to write a bulimia-themed piece. I have some specfic ideas in mind is why I want to do that. It won't glamorous or patronize it at all, it will just tell it like it is, from my perspective. Hopefully in a somewhat literary way...or as literary as I get, which is sort of just quirky and offbeat, I only say "quirky" and "offbeat" because I don't feel like I'm the strongest writer(though I love to write) and if you just call it quirky, then that gives me some wiggle room and people will just say, "Oh that's just amb's quirky style to make mistakes."

Never you mind

2008-08-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Big surprise! I changed my mind. This time for the better. I'm not going to do the extreme dieting thing. What I'm going to try to do is stay on track one day and then have a free day, so I'll just be rotating every other day instead of every single day on a gluttonous rampage.

I read an article yesterday about not needing to do the "it's my last one" and just realize that the food will still be there you don't need to have it right then and there, but it's important to allow yourself that treat that you want every once in a great while. I know that's how I feel about food and I'm hoping it will work. I don't need to eat the entire pint of ice cream anymore, it will still be there tomorrow and I don't even need to buy it in the first place because it will still be in the store if I need it that badly.

So today is my "on" day since yesterday I screwed up. I had a bit too much ice cream and bit too many burritos. On my "off" days I'm still going to try to not overeat, I'm just going to try to have a tiny bit of anything I want, while keeping the "I don't need this" in the back of my mind. I'm queen of the binges lately and I don't like that one bit, I need to stop.

I don't know if I've given up on the In It 2 Win It challenge yet or not, I sucked last week and I still haven't done a video and we're supposed to do that on Fridays. I didn't even weigh in on Friday. Buuuuuut there is a new 21 day challenge, like the one I joined back in June! That one worked out pretty well for me, so I'm hoping to join that again and lose some more weight.

I suppose I should start logging my food again. I'll edit/update throughout the day, as I have done previously.

Breakfast: nectarine, banana

So...

2008-08-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to start a ten-day "extreme" diet, I was only going to do liquids, but I think it will be easier and less expensive to just do fruits and veggies. So starting tomorrow until the 26th it's only fruits and vegetables for this girl.

I feel awful right now. I had two more burritos. I only puked a little bit of it back up. I'm so full and bloated. I'm disgusting. I may even skip eating much of anything at all tomorrow. I seriously feel that gross over my behavior today.

BuLAMEia

2008-08-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

Oh hey, awesome, I'm constantly binging and purging now. Today I've had peanut M&Ms, Snickers, Rolos, mint chocolate chip ice cream, cookie dough ice cream, and two big burritos. Puked it back up. Not all of it though.

Gross.

I really don't like myself when I start doing this again. I don't know how I had ahold of this thing before, but I feel so helpless and out of control now. This isn't me, this is my eating disorder. I feel like I'm not making these decisions, I just go through the actions.

I got a job though, so yay for that! I'll be keeping too busy to binge/purge as much as I am now. And I can actually afford to go to therapy now. I'm really excited about the job. It's sort of manual labor though and I've never really done that, but I think it will be good for me. I just hope I'll do well.

I hope I'll be back on track soon. I don't know when though. *shrugs*

Ole scatterbrain

2008-08-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

I already forgot to take a picture of my food. But I'm still going to write it down.

Breakfast(6:00am)- 1/2c. cottage cheese, 1 small orange
Lunch(12:00pm)-1 slice whole grain bread, 1/2 Tbsp Earth Balance buttery spread, 1/2 c. baby carrots, 1 mini caramel waffle cookie
I'm craving a burrito so bad right now. I will not give in to temptation. I will not give in to temptation. I will not give in to temptation. I will not give in to temptation. Do you think if I keep saying it, it will help? I think resisting on my own freewill will work best rather than pretending that outside forces have anything to do with it
Snack(2:00pm)-10 whole wheat pretzels
Dinner(4:00pm)- Yes, dinner at 4pm, no I'm not over the age of 55, but I am sleepy and don't know how much longer I'll be awake. Anyway, on with the food: 1 hard-boiled egg, 1 slice of whole grain bread, 1 small orange, 100 calorie milk chocolate bar
Snack(9:00pm)-I fell asleep, but kept getting phone calls, so I got up to eat something, which was: 1 blueberry fiber cake, 1 c. fat free milk
Snack(11:45pm)-2 Mochi mango ice creams

I desperately need to go shopping for fruits and veggies. I have about half of a small bag of baby carrots left and quite a few oranges still. Other than that I'm fresh out of produce. I was going to go today, but I got lazy and didn't. No big surprise though. I'll go tomorrow.

I have a job interview on Wednesday. So let's all hope I get the job! So I can stop being so lethargic since I don't have a lot going on in my life these days.

Three weeks until a smaller/healthier amb, twelve until the smallest and healthiest amb of all

2008-08-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

Alright, so this week continued to be a free-for-all. I'm hoping I'm all good now since I got all of that eating out of my system.

I was checking over my goals, meaning goal weights, because honestly that's what it's about for me, I want to lose weight, it doesn't hurt that I'm (mostly) doing it the healthy way and in turn getting healthier, but honestly it's about the weight for me. I want to look and feel good again. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I was checking over my goals, as I said, and since I've been slacking so much this past month I have to kick ass these next three weeks and then I can just eat normal and well and slowly lose the weight. I have my goal weight by the end of this month to be at 129 pounds and as of today, I weigh 141 pounds, I think because of the two bags of chips I had yesterday. So I should be able to get the first couple of pounds off really easily and then by the end of this week I'm shooting for 137 pounds. I'll need to lose 4 pounds each week to make my goal. I hope I can do it, when I first started this in June I lost 9 pounds in the first two weeks, so it's not impossible. I just need to stay on track.

I have a job interview this week, so hopefully I'll get that job. I find it a lot easier to lose weight when I have things to do. Being unemployed and not going to school really increases your chances of over-eating and ruining your plans to lose weight.

I'll start taking pictures of my food again. Today I'm just having Odwalla "Serious Focus" juice and lots of water, but I may take a picture still. I'm on a weird sleeping schedule and woke up at 6pm today, so even though I'll be up from now until all day tomorrow I think I'll start eating real meals starting in the morning. I think I'm going to avoid eating after 9pm again, mostly because SparkPeople switches days at that time, since it's midnight on the east coast when it's 9pm on the west coast.

I'm not sure if tracking food/counting calories helps, but in losing weight I suppose I should be doing it. I was just so sick of obsessing over it for so long, but I think I've had enough of a break to start it back up again. I only have twelve more weeks, eight-four more days, of tracking if I stick to my plan. So I better stick to it, after that I can actually live like a normal person again. And if I hit my goal weight before that, that's awesome! I'm not going to stop tracking until I weigh-in under 118 for an entire week, my final weight goal is as low as 112 and as high as 118, so as long as I'm in the range I'll be happy, I may want to get down to 112 though, just to see that I can do it. But once I'm below 118 I can stop being so crazy over this. Just think if I hit my end of the month goal, I'll only have 11 pounds to go! I'm taking those pounds slow though. I'm pretty ok with myself once I'm in the 120s, I don't feel like people are staring and judging as much, but 110s, is where I feel most confident in myself, I got below that I'd look weird and skeletal and above that I've still got some pudge on me.

Aha! I think I've cracked the code!

2008-08-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

Could it be? I'm finally burnt out from all the food I've been consuming this past week. The thing about binging and food addictions is that even after you're past your point of comfort, I guess especially once you're past your point of comfort, you still continue to do it, which you'd normally stop with other addictions, wouldn't you? Like even though you need your cigarettes, you wouldn't smoke them until you were sick and you definitely do the heroin to feel better because you feel so shitty off of it. And not only is there that stupid part of it, but there's so much to choose from, than opposed to a heroin addiction, there's only one heroin(I think?), but so many foods to choose from. Today I'm doing ok though. I could go for some chocolate doughnuts and Lucky Charms, but the urge is not overwhelming like normal. Last night was pretty awful, I seriously only wanted some cake or chocolate of some sort, but I don't keep those things in my apartment because I know I'm prone to the binging, so I ended up eating every thing else I possibly could. I really feel good today though, like a have a bit of a grip on things again. My belly is still overly full from yesterday and it's 4:30 in the afternoon. Even though I do puke still, I'm really trying to stop, so I'm not puking as much as I'm eating, which is good and bad. I'm fighting one addiction, but gaining weight while giving in to the other addiction.

I keep changing my mind about what started this insanity again. What I think it is now is that I had been eating so responsibly and like an adult for so long that I just wanted to rebel and be a kid again, I'm not very good at feeling like an adult, so when I act like one it just feels wrong. I didn't want to eat my fruits/vegetables, protein, and whole grains every meal, have a healthy snack when I was hungry, I didn't want to do any of that, it drove me crazy. I wanted to eat sweets all day long. If I could learn moderation my life would be bliss. I could have my cake and eat my healthy food too, kind of a spin-off from the old saying.

I wish I could plan out my meals and stick to that plan, but for some reason that is the most difficult thing for me. No, I take that back, the most difficult thing for me is actually exercising. I literally know that I could eat what I want if I just exercised and I know if I gave myself the freedom to eat what I wanted I wouldn't overeat, but there's just this stupid mental block that won't allow me to do any of that.

Grocery shopping has gotten to be such a chore for me and I used to love it. I hate that I'm avoiding all the foods I want and buying all the grown-up foods. Blah. I make myself sick with how boring I've become.

But really now that I think about and I'm still playing the blame game. I know for a fact that if I had things to do instead of watching Six Feet Under or surfing the web for 12 hours straight I wouldn't need the food. The food acts as a friend, I guess, since I have none. I think it's stupid to say that you're an emotional eater. I hate that, yeah, people eat for reasons other than hunger, but I hate that phrase "emotional eater" it's really quite stupid. More times than not I'd say my eating is out of nothing better to do, some people smoke, I eat. If I had something to do, I wouldn't eat, it's really as simple as that. It's funny though because I'm not always like this, for quite awhile I can keep up the normal eating thing and be unemployed/not going to school, but after awhile it gets the best of you and you give in to your cravings.

So mission one: get a job, meaning I should probably call Sarah back because her call woke me up this afternoon and I didn't want to answer sounding as if I had just woken up at 3pm, that's not very professional or responsible.

My life is this vicious cycle. I'm relatively reclusive, being reclusive makes me avoid working and going school (even though I thoroughly enjoy being at both), when I avoid those things I have nothing to do but eat, then I'm depressed and become more reclusive because I don't want to leave my home looking and feeling the way I do from eating so much. Once I get a job this will all go away and I know it will and I'll drop 10 pounds so easily, which will be great, but I'm already up since a week ago, since yesterday I'm up too, so it won't be as much of a lose as it could have been. Which gets me to thinking, I weighed in at 141 yesterday and I have been overeating all week, does that mean that I theoretically could have been in the 130's this week, if I just ate normal and didn't even have to watch what I was eating??!! I don't want to think about that though because it will just depress me about my failures and I need to focus on the positive, not negative.

I ordered a hula hoop online last night. So that should be here in a few days or a week or something, so then I'm going to be hooping it up all the time. I like exercises that I would actually do that don't feel like exercising. I adore swimming and I haven't been once this year. That sucks. I'm just too self-conscious. I also have never been to a swimming pool alone, which sounds weird, but for some reason I like to have someone there with me. I feel weird hanging out with all the other poolies by myself. I don't even think I have proper form while swimming, it's just something I learned on my own as a kid. Maybe I should take a class, like a slightly advanced class, intermediate swimming perhaps. Because I don't need to know how to float or hold my breath or to kick and all those very basic things, but I still have yet to figure out how to tread water, maybe I should actually start from scratch. I may take a dance class too because although I have no rhythm, it would be a way to get my body moving and not have to "exercise", I fucking hate exercise, it's boring. I hope to some day love it, but as of today, it's boring and I probably won't stick with it if I start. At least right now. I don't mind occassional exercise balling it up and pilates and yoga, but other things that are strictly exercise(treadmill, elliptical, weights, etc.) count me out.

Do something.

2008-08-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

I need to change something. I have over-eaten practically every day this week. I've puked a couple of times. I feel out of control. I'm feeling ok right this moment though.

I started this In It 2 Win It challenge on youtube and it seemed like such a great challenge to join, but it's three days in and I've been eating non-stop all three days. I don't know what has come over me lately, but it's like binge-o-rama and it's not fair because I don't seem to be gaining weight, which is good, obviously, but sometimes I need to see that high number on the scale to shock me back into reality. I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I did well with food in the day and then I went to Trader Joe's and bought a bag of cookies, I don't know why I thought I'd be ok to just eat one, I wasn't. I ate 10 and then threw the rest out once I got home. Then I continued to binge the rest of the night. Then I smoked two cigarettes, which felt great, but I know are so bad for me.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost right now. All I want is cake and ice cream and chocolate. I keep eating everything else because I don't have any of those sweets in my apartment and I'm trying to satisfy a craving for sweets with something else even though I'm never hungry. I don't want to go buy them and cave in like I did yesterday though. I try to do it one way and fail and then I try to do it another way and fail. Why can't I figure this shit out? I'm sick of it. I really am.

I said I'd exercise every day this week for the challenge, I did the first two days, but I still haven't yet today and don't see it happening. I kept it vague so I'd actually stay on track, the first day I did some stretching and exercises with my ball, then yesterday I walked quite a bit. Today I've laid in bed all day. I should get up and do something though. My goal was the exercise every day and lose 4.2 pounds this week, I said 4.2 because when I weighed myself it was at the end of the day and I weight 144.2 and I just wanted to get back down to the 140 that I was last week, so those are my goals this week. Who knows what my goals will be next week. We're supposed to do mini-goals and I final goal, my final goal for the challenge was to lose 15 pounds, which I can totally do if I put my mind to it, but I don't know where the hell my mind is right now. I'm already down to 141.2 today, through no effort on my part, I just weighed myself at the beginning of the day instead of after a day of binging, which is what I did for the challenge, not on purpose, but I didn't find out about it until later in the day and it started on August 1st, so I had to weigh myself then. I'm sure I still weigh 144 right now after eating all day long. So I have 1.2 pounds to lose by Friday, I actually hope to lose four pounds by next Sunday, it's weird having two weigh-in's now. I hope it will keep me more on track though. I doubt it, I just feel defeated already.

I'm thinking about fasting for a week. I'm not sure what kind though. I figure I'll go to a bookstore tomorrow and get a fasting book and follow that. Probably some kind of juice/liquid fast. I know that once I get over this binging slump that I'm in I'll be good to go again, it's just getting out of it that's really fucking hard right now, I haven't been this crazed over food in a long time, maybe even since high school when I was out of control. I think I get like this when I'm in my reclusive modes. I need to break out of this funk I'm in. I'm going to a temp agency tomorrow, so hopefully I'll get a job and that will occupy some of my time and help me to stop spending so much time alone and distract from overeating.

Re-adjusting some more

2008-07-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm still halfway following mypyramid.gov, but I can't not count calories, I go crazy not counting calories. I was searching around more on that website though and found a planner for 1000 calorie diet, so I'm going to actually follow that instead of my makeshift adjustments.
3 ounces of grains
1 cup of vegetables
1 cup of fruits
2 cups of dairy
2 ounces of protein

Today for lunch, since I woke up around 11am and I just had lunch first, I had:
small banana=3/4 c. fruit
1/2 cup cottage cheese=1/4 c. dairy
one slice of whole grain bread=1 oz grain
253 calories on Spark People(I don't trust the calorie counting on My Pyramid as much, it's not as specific as Spark People)

My plan for the rest of the day's eating is:
Dinner:
whole grain spaghetti=2 oz grain
1/2 cup tomato sauce=1/2 c. vegetable
1 cup spinach=1/2 c. vegetable
2 tablespoons flax seeds=1 1/2 oz protein
cup of milk=1 c. dairy
447 calories

Snacks:
raspberry lowfat yogurt=1 c. dairy(+ discretionary calories since it's flavored)
clementine=1/4 c. fruit
baby carrots=1/2 c. vegetables
ranch(made with light sour cream)=discretionary calories
275 calories

If that holds true to what I actually it my totals will be:
3 oz grain - right on target
1 1/2 c. vegetable - 1/2 c. over, but it's veggies, so that's good
1 c. fruit - right on target
2 1/4 c. dairy - 1/4 c. over, no big d'
1 1/2 oz protein - 1/2 c. under, but I was way over yesterday, so it's good
975 calories

Trying something new is key for me

2008-07-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm following mypyramid.gov except instead of the ridiculous recommendation of 2000 calories, I'm cutting it in half, because I'm trying to lose weight and I'm a lazy bum still and not exercising. So if you click on the link you will see that my recommendations are as follows:
6 ounces of grains
2.5 cups of vegetables
2 cups of fruit
3 cups of dairy
5.5 ounces of fish/beans/nuts

So what I'm adjusting it to is this:
3 ounces of grains
1-2 cups of vegetables
1-2 cups of fruit
1.5 cups of dairy
2-3 ounces of protein

I'm going to try not counting calories while doing this, at least for this week, I may add up the calories at the end of the week, just to see how I'm doing, but I think as long as I cut it in half I should be right around 1000 calories per day. I'm hoping I'll feel less crazy whilst not counting thy calories. (I'm such a douche)

So far today I've had:
a banana(1 c. fruit)
half cup cottage cheese(1/2 c. dairy)
peanut butter sandwich(1.5 oz protein, 2 oz grain)
1/2 cup raisin bran clusters(1 oz grain)
half cup cottage cheese(1/2 c. dairy)
a clementine(1/2 c. fruit? they're small)

I'm up to my grain and fruit limit, I have half of a cup of dairy, one ounce of protein, and all of my veggies to go still. I feel pretty good about today though.

Edited to add: (the rest of the food I've had)
carrots(1 c. veggies)
ranch, made with light sour cream(2 T. dairy)
pistachios(1/2 oz protein)
cucumber slices(1/2 c. veggies)

Edited to add 2:Electric Boogaloo
honey roasted peanuts(2 oz protein)
grilled cheese (2 oz grain, 2 oz dairy, 2 Tbsp oil(Smart Balance Light))

Shit. Oh well, I'm still trying. I didn't over-do it too much. And I'm not letting myself purge anything back up like I have been lately. Tomorrow, I'm really going to try to focus on fasting. I think I should fast the rest of this week, a juice fast or something. An all fruit and veggie fast perhaps, I need to do something.

Fuck me!

2008-07-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Well, today would make it day three of binging in the past week and a half. Bullshit. This is such bullshit. I'm so fed up with my same old crap. I really can't stop. I can't even make myself puke much anymore even, which I guess is good. I deserve to gain the weight if I'm behaving like this. I can't stand to put anymore food in my body and I still do. I don't know what triggers this. It's stupid. I feel stupid and out of control.

I need to join a new challenge. It seemed to help me before. And it can't be some silly little self-challenge, as I've learned, those do not work for me. Maybe I'll look around on SparkPeople and find something on there and become an active member and talk to other SparkPeople.

I'm gonna keep it short(before the ETA)

2008-07-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot to say today. I'm not doing the weekly wrap up like I have been since I didn't track what I ate on Monday and yesterday and only halfway did on Friday, so this whole week was messed up.

As for today, I started out tracking my food, but ended up having a mini binge or two this evening so I stopped. It's ok, it wasn't as bad as it was last weeks binge and for some reason it seems like whenever my guests leave I have to binge, I should kick that habit, but it's not like I normally have guests as often as I had this month. Ok, so this week I'm doing nearly the same thing I did last week, only I'm going to keep it up and stick to the plan, I veered away from the plan while eating out with my family, but the days prior to that rocked.

My plan for this week will be 600-700 calories per day on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, then 1000-1100 calories on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Then starting Sunday I'll go back to 1200 calories again and hope to stay around 1200 calories every day after that. Or maybe I'll do 600 on Monday, 700 on Tuesday, 800 on Wednesday, 900 on Thursday, 1000 on Friday, and 1100 on Saturday. I kind of like that idea better, actually. Either one will work for me though.

I really need to start working out soon. Eventually the diet alone isn't going to be enough. Plus, I like food, so I'd rather eat what I like and exercise it off rather than deprive myself of food. And honestly it's so much easier to stay on track with the food when I'm exercising. It makes me want chocolate and booze less, which is helpful.

I've been feeling pretty lethargic lately. What else is new, right? But it kind of stinks, it's making it extremely hard for me to find the energy to leave my apartment even. Some days I can't even find the energy to take a shower. I know exercise would help, but while feeling like this, how the hell do I get the motivation or energy for that? It's kind of a shitty situation. I need to exercise to feel better, but I can't exercise because I don't feel well.

I need to get out and find a job, not only so I can pay for rent and stuff, but so I can start seeing a therapist and hopefully clear up some of my craziness and stop feeling like a failure at life.

Bracing myself for what's to come later today

2008-07-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm prepared to be up a couple of pounds. I have my period and I ate so much these past two days. It's ok, it was only two days and I hardly ate at all three days this week. I'm ridiculous. I had a binge at the beginning of the week, practically starving three days straight, then just careless eating for these last two days. Stupid. But it happens. There's no more planned visits from friends or family for awhile though, so I should be ok with my normal life/eating for awhile.

I'm down ten pounds since I started this, but I was trying on clothes today and mediums, which normally fit me well, for some reason, maybe I was deluded, but I thought they fit me ten pounds(up) ago, but today they were uncomfortably tight. I'm so confused. Maybe it's just my fatty bloaty periodness. Added with all the junk I've had these last couple of days.

Let's see if I can remember what I had yesterday. Breakfast I had a little packet of oyster crackers I had in my purse because my mom and aunt ate breakfast while I was catching up on my sleep, then for lunch I had three small slices of white pizza and a caesar salad with salmon, then a peanut butter cookie and a cinnamon and sugar cookie, then at the late movie we went to I had about a million little caramels that I sneaked in and some popcorn and then some watermelon sour patch kids. I haven't eaten since then. I think I've had more than my fair share of calories today.

Oh and just to clarify, I'm still up, I'm definitely not up this early. I can't sleep at night. It's nearly impossible for me. So I'm hoping I'll sleep all day and wake up and weigh myself and I'll magically be lighter instead of heavier, I mean I will have went over twelve hours without food by the time I wake up, that has to count for at least a pound with the way my weight fluctuates.

Minus my binge on Monday I haven't had chocolate in over a month, but really, it's only been a week. I'm a week clean, but I think me not eating chocolate is just making me eat more of other junk foods, which aren't nearly as satisfying and way more fattening since I'm eating more to satisfy some other craving. I'm kind of stupid like that. I go crazy with chocolate though. I suppose I should do a no candy/ice cream/cookie/cake/etc rule and not just "no chocolate".

I didn't forget, I've just been busy...eating, obviously.

2008-07-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Alright, so Thursday all I had for the rest of that day was a pineapple fruit bar. I got too busy, so the calories were under 500 again.

But yesterday I more than made up for it. I started my day off with some cottage cheese, then for lunch I had a cup of clam chowder and half of a slice of rosemary (white) bread, then we went to Tillamook and I had an orange sherbet in a cone and some cheese samples. Then to make myself feel better about my lack of fruits and vegetables, I stopped to buy a nectarine and ate that a little while after. Then for dinner I had this vegetarian pasta(which had vegetables in it, albeit not much) with shrimp and a pint of dark beer, oh my god the beer was good! Then three of us split two desserts(orange creamsicle cheesecake and some kind of seasonal berry cobbler with vanilla ice cream), but really I ended up eating most of both of them. Ugh, it was probably at least 1600 calories all day, which isn't awful if you're not trying to lose weight, but I am and I was trying to stay below or around 1000 calories. So I guess I'm keeping it light today, I'm skipping the fantastic breakfast this morning. Then I'll have a light lunch and dinner.

Doin' good.

2008-07-24T13:39:00.001-07:00

Yes! I'm finally in the 130s again. This no eating thing works. I'm kidding, sort of. I am eating, just not much.

Last night I ended up eating some cooked broccoli, cottage cheese, and a pineapple bar. Which ended up going a little bit over what I was aiming for, but it was only by 50 calories, so it was no big deal, really. And I'm still down, so that's all that matters. I don't know what I'm aiming for today, as low as I can, but I won't mind if I get up to 800 calories, but I'd prefer to stay around 500 again. Then tomorrow I'll start eating more like a normal person again. I hope that doesn't make me gain though. Since I'm working to get to my next goal by Sunday.

So far today I've had an orange and half of a peanut butter Perfect Foods bar. So I'm up to nearly 200 calories already. I'll update as I eat more.

My mom and aunt fly in tonight, but it's fairly late, so I doubt we'll eat anything. So I won't have to start worrying until tomorrow.

ETA: I had a slice of whole grain bread, cottage cheese, cucumber and spinach, so I'm up to about 350 calories right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to try to eat a little more today, so I can stay fairly consistent calorie-wise and not just double it right away and gain weight.

I can't sleep

2008-07-23T08:59:00.001-07:00

I've been up forever, it seem like it anyway.

All I had yesterday was some brown rice penne, spinach, flax seeds, and bit of ranch(made with light sour cream) - 233 calories total. Nice.

I'm down a pound from yesterday when I weighed myself this morning. I still have a little ways to go until I reach the weight I want to be by Sunday, which actually was five pounds not three like I think I kept saying in the last blog, but I can do it if I lose a pound per day, which isn't impossible, but maybe improbable. I'm still going to try my hardest.

This morning I had an orange and fat free cottage cheese. Hopefully I'll sleep most of the day away and not have to worry about eating or avoiding eating. I was actually fine yesterday, I kept myself occupied long enough not to think about it much at all. I'm shooting for 500 calories today. I'm at maybe 120 calories with the orange and cottage cheese, so I can get up later today and have a little something and then have a little something more later on.

Man, what an anorexic I'm being. It will only last for a couple of days though, don't worry. The way I figure it, so many people have busy jobs that only allow them so much time to eat and they're probably eating about how I'm eating this week, they'll get a few days of eating hardly anything and then a few days of decent meals. I'm not saying it's healthy, but I'm just saying that it's not really anorexic behavior. It could be "normal" behavior if I was a professional. Although I'm so completely the opposite of busy, it's ridiculous. No job, I had to drop my summer classes, so I'm just hanging out at home mostly. I need a job. Still.

Edited To Add: I slept for about four hours today. I had a slice of whole grain bread with peanut butter and an apple when I got up. I have about 120 calories left to eat today. Then only one more day of 500 calories eating, then I can double that shit. Yeah! Although I did weigh myself when I got up today and I was down another pound, so this not eating much of anything thing does work quite well. That means I only have three pounds to lose from now until Sunday instead of the five that it was at the beginning of yesterday.

I'm really just assuming I'll end up eating around 1000 calories per day with going out to eat all the time while the fam' is here, it's not necessarily out of choice, I'm just going to try to eat the best and the least I can for those three days, which I'm assuming will probably be around 1000 calories. Then once Monday, or maybe Tuesday, comes I'll be back up to 1200 calories.

Day one back on track

2008-07-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

Fasting, or whatever you want to call it, is starting today. My two/three days of no/minimal eating. I think today I'm not eating, but loading up on water and tea, and then tomorrow and Thursday I'll stick to below 500 calories(mostly in fruits and veggies). Then I'll eat more like 900-1000 calories Friday, Saturday, and Sunday because I am trying to lose three pounds this week and I will be eating out with my family while they're here. So it's probably going to be a lot of salad and no dessert for me. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, I suppose. It's only three and a half months of this stuff before I can actually start to maintain, which will be fantastic. I'm fairly sure if I don't cheat again like I did yesterday than I'll be good to go on my plan for being down to the weight I want to be by the beginning of November. I'm just so excited for that. And this week is just patching up the damage that I did yesterday, which was a lot. Then I'll be back to eating an adequate amount and variety next week.

Lucky 7 Challenge, I'm in!

2008-07-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

Oh me, oh my my binging did not stop all day long. It was a MAJOR motherfucking binge. I am ashamed. I really am. I'm pretty sure I'm going to eat next to nothing these next few days. I don't care if it's not "healthy", you know what else isn't healthy, a giant fucking day of binging. I know three days of starving unhealthiness isn't going to make up for the belly-bursting unhealthiness, but I'm trying to even out the calories, even though I didn't count any calories today, which I think is for the best. I say "today" because I'm still up. It's 5am and I'm still up. I'm done binging though. Thank goodness.

I'm going to do the Lucky 7 Challenge after all, I'm two weeks late, or something like that, but I'm not going to do it in video form, I'm just going to write it down in here and hopefully with me starting late it will motivate me to get my ass into gear because I should have been down 2 pounds already, the challenge is to lose 7 pounds in 7 weigh-ins, the weigh-ins are every 7 days. Ok, so the first question for the first week was to list seven healthy habits that you're currently doing.
1-drink 64+oz of water per day
2-eat fruits and veggies every day
3-mostly always get 8 hours of sleep
4-walk, bike and take public transportation (that's more healthy for the planet than for me because I don't walk/bike as much as I should)
5-I don't eat fast food
6-I don't eat red (or any other kind of) meat
7-take St Johns Wort daily (which helps my brain feel healthy!)

The next question was do you feel lucky?
I would say yes in some ways and no in others, I guess. I mean, I realize that so, so many people have it worse than me, but I've been going through a rough patch lately, but I guess throughout my life things have a funny way of working themselves out for me. So I guess, yeah.

This week's question is seven reasons why you want to lose weight?
1-to feel comfortable in my own skin
2-to fit into my clothes and dress cute again
3-I look disgusting with extra weight
4-to prove to myself that I can
5-so I can start running/training for a marathon
6-so I can go swimming and wear a bathing suit in front of people
7-to gain confidence (I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything looking the way I look right now)

So that means I should have lost 3 pounds by next week, if I'm doing it that way, which seems like the most logical way to do it. 1 pound per week, but I have to catch up for the past two weeks, plus this week. The 3 pounds is actually the perfect goal because that was already my personal goal for the 27th anyway and the Lucky 7 weigh-in is the day after that. So 137 pounds by Sunday and Monday. Yes, I can do this if I just work really hard...and depending on how much weight I put on with today's antics. Oh jeez, why did I do that? Whatever, it's over now. I can only look ahead. I'm not going to weigh myself until Sunday either, so I'll just have to work that much harder not knowing what I'm working with.

9:30 is early! (for me)

2008-07-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

I begrudgingly woke up early today. I'm still way too tired for my own good. But I did actually get up, sort of, technically I'm typing this from my bed, but I got up and had a big breakfast(500 calories worth!) to try to give me energy, it didn't really work. I'm still craving those delicious little mint ice cream treats. Part of me wants to throw them out as not to tempt me anymore, part of me wants to eat the rest of them all in one sitting, and the rational part of me want to have just one to satisfy the craving, but I know me and I know that I can't have just one, if I have one I'm sure I'll eat more.

ETA: Umm, I'm not tracking my food anymore today, it's been nearly a day full of binging. I'm not even going to stress out over it, I'm just going to eat today and do better after that. I don't care that I've had about 1000 calories in ice cream alone. And so much bread and cereal. Nope, that's fine. It's not, but I honestly believe I can start over tomorrow and be good for the next three weeks...and beyond that. I really need to stop this overeating. I need to do another three week challenge and keep the same goals I had last time. Absolutely no chocolate and no overeating. I need to do those, this is not healthy. I puked a little bit, but stopped myself. I deserve to gain the weight if I'm stupid enough to keep doing this to myself. I don't know. Maybe I should just start working out like crazy and then eat whatever the hell I want because when I'm working out I don't want to eat junk food or drink alcohol, so I wouldn't even have to watch my calories because if I'm working out I'm probably burning any excess calories I'm consuming and I can't be consuming too many empty calories if I'm not eating junk or drinking booze.

Yeah, I need to wake up early and run tomorrow. Sigh. It'll be good for me though. I'm going to wake up with a food hangover tomorrow though, which will suck, but I did it to myself. I deserve the effects of my bad behavior, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle.

Weekly Wrap-Up (July 14-July 20)

2008-07-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

1477 calories on average for the week (recommended 1200-1550, aiming for 1200)
39g of fat on average for the week (recommended 32-56)
218g of carbs on average for the week (recommended 163-236)
58g of protein on average for the week (recommended 60-127)
29g of dietary fiber on average for the week (recommended 25-35, aiming for 30+)

Lost 2 pounds(sort of)

Keep calm and carry on

2008-07-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

My willpower is being pushed hard tonight. I just keep drinking water to fill that void of the delicious little ice cream treats I have in the freezer. I really, really want to eat the entire box. It's not that I'm opposed to eating more today, though I was trying to stay on the low side of calories and it's getting pretty late in the day to be eating, it's just that I know if I have one more of those little buggers I'll want the rest of them.

Oh well, this is losing weight, it's never easy to resist these things you want, especially when you've spent the past year, two years, however long, eating anything you wanted.

I really have no idea what keeps me from eating. I think I just know myself enough to know that I can resist it better than I can stop if I start. So I'm just resisting and not even having a bite. Moderation has always been my downfall. I have a hard time not finishing a meal, even when I'm full. I need to kick that habit. That should be one of my goals, leave at least a couple normal-sized bites on my plate. Although not when I'm cooking for myself because I know how much I should and can have.

I'm going to have to put that to the test this weekend when my mom and aunt come visit and we go out to eat. I'm hoping since my mom is a light eater and my aunt is on a diet, we'll end up sharing everything and I won't have to worry about portions too much. My mom always buys me these fantastic, expensive chocolates when she comes because she knows I love them so much, which is nice, but I just can't handle it. Chocolate is my downfall. I just need to avoid it, except on special occasions. It makes me sad, but until I can learn to control myself it's what I have to do. I wish I could just have one per day, but I can't, once the seal is broken I go crazy. I may have cake or cookies or something with chocolate in it while they're here because we're doing a late birthday celebration and I never got cake on my birthday!

I found a fantastic chocolate chip cookie recipe I've been wanting to try out too, but I'm not going to because I know that since I live alone I'll end up eating the entire thing and most likely I'll eat most of them while they're still warm because that's silly not to. All I can think about is cookies, ice cream, doughnuts, cupcakes, cakes, pies, scones, muffins, mocha's, fudge, truffles, brownies, candy bars, solid chocolate, basically anything that is or can be made with chocolate. Oh god, chocolate, I love you.

I'm browsing around looking at chocolate food porn. Is that sad? No, don't answer that, I know it is. The dripping chocolate gets me all hot and bothered though, really it is like porn!

Afternoon Delight

2008-07-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

I bet you're surprised, I woke up late again. It's ok, I don't think I'm ready to start running again. Hopefully soon I will be, but I just know I'm not right now. I think I'm going to make a new 21 day challenge for myself. I'll update later when I figure out my goals.

Lunch(12:15pm)-whole grain toast, orange, cottage cheese

Snack/meal(3:15pm)-brown rice California roll, mango Mochi ice cream

Dinner(7:10pm)-homemade vegetable and rice soup(broccoli, spinach, carrots, flax seeds, brown rice, vegetable broth), whole grain bread, melted mozzarella

Dessert(7:45pm)-three mini mint ice cream mouthfuls(I know, I know, I should have stopped at one, but I did feel a binge coming on and stopped myself, so that's something)

Midnight Snack(12:20am)-cottage cheese

The new challenge goals(most are very similar to the last goals):
1-one candy per week
2-no overeating
3-drink only tea and water (and milk, but I don't drink that usually, I just put it on my cereal) - limit alcohol to once a week, if at all
4-30 minutes of physical activity daily
5-once a week do something to push myself out of my comfort zone (talk to a stranger, go to an event I'd normally feel out of place)
6-wake up early and go to bed early
7-finish three books that I have started (one per week?)
8-spend no more than four hours online per day/less than two hours of TV
9-find a job

Keepin' it light

2008-07-19T20:37:00.000-07:00

Woke up late again. Duh. I'm going to take Benadryl and go to bed early tonight though. I'm going to try to get up early and run tomorrow. I'm going to try for Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday running. My calories were high this week with my friend being here and me drinking and going out to eat so much, so I'm keeping my calories low today. I like to average my calories out for the week and if I keep it to around 800 today, my average should be about normal. I'll be back on track next week and eat normal calories every day instead of low calories one day and high calories the next. And most importantly, little to no drinking, which is what screwed me over the most, I think.

Snack(3:00pm)-orange, pistachios

Dinner(8:20pm)-spring onion rice noodle soup bowl

Dessert(9:10pm)-mini mint ice cream mouthful

Snack(10:45pm)-half of a blueberry yogurt, high fiber cereal

Back into the swing of things

2008-07-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

I don't even care that I slept in late today. I was so exhausted from this past week. I woke up around 1pm, but didn't eat until just a bit ago. I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight too, so it will be good that I'll only get probably two meals and a snack in since I overdid it yesterday.

Lunch(2:15pm)-whole grain bread with peanut butter, orange, multi-grain Cheerios with fat free milk

Snack(4:00pm)-half of a blueberry yogurt, a handful of blueberries

Snack(5:00pm)-Kashi crackers, mozzarella cheese(one slice pictured, but I had two)

Dinner(6:30pm)-whole grain pasta, Smart Balance Light, flax seeds, ranch(made with light sour cream), spinach, broccoli

Snack(7:00pm)-high fiber cereal, fat free milk

Snack(3:00am)-whole grain bread, Smart Balance Light

My birthday was sort of a bust

2008-07-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not hungover, but I don't feel good. I feel fat and kind of disgusting. I wish I hadn't drank so much, but my friends drank infinitely more than me, so I suppose I did better than I could have. I also wish I wouldn't have had the fries when I got home. I hate drinking, well I only had drinking when the empty calories add up and then I come home and eat more calories.

My friend leaves today and I'm excited to get back to eating well again. I'm supposed to take him out for a burger before he leaves, so I may have to eat out one more time this week. Ugh. It's so frustrating not to be able to eat at home.

Lunch-boca burger with cheese, some dressing(?), lettuce and pickles, half of a chocolate milkshake
Snack-tiny bit of pineapple
Dinner-mix of multi-grain Cheerios/high fiber cereal with fat free milk, cottage cheese
Snack-blueberries, sunflower seeds, mango Mochi ice cream
Dinner:part two-whole grain spaghetti, Italian herb sauce, flax seeds, mozzarella, broccoli, spinach, two slices whole grain bread (yes, I'm super full, I'll be back on track tomorrow, today started off weird, so I expected it to end that way too)

Short and sweet.

2008-07-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

Not a lot of extra words today. It's my birthday. I'm not going to go crazy, but I'm not going to watch what I eat too closely.

Lunch-seasoned fries, dark beer
Drinks-three and a half beers, one watermelon cosmo
Snack-pita and hummus, fries

Today's a new day

2008-07-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day yesterday. Not in terms of the way I was feeling, I felt as well as I could have considering all the different circumstances, but did you see that food? Jeez! I was being so bad. I'm sure it had to be over 2000 calories, which is pretty awful when I'm trying to stay around 1200 calories. But it's ok, I got that ice cream and sorbet and pad thai out of my system and I should be good to go now. I always want to starve myself the day after a bad day like that, you know, to even it out, but I know that's probably the worst thing I can do, so I'm just trying to eat normal instead and stay on the low side of calories.

Breakfast-orange, whole grain bread, cottage cheese(same as yesterday)
Lunch-slice of pineapple and green pepper pizza, half spinach and ranch(made with light sour cream) sandwich on whole grain bread
Snacks-pineapple 100% fruit bar, mango Mochi ice cream, apricot and mango nonfat yogurt (these weren't all at the same time, I've been grazing a bit today)
More snacking-sunflower seeds, pineapple
Drink Snack-"midnight express" tea

I had the Thin Mint Blizzard

2008-07-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

(I never title my blogs first, but I did this time and I'm now referencing the title) Well, you read it there, folks. I had the TMB(Thin Mint Bliz') finally and it was alright, I'm glad I had it and I ate the entire thing because it's fucking hot out today and it cooled me down a tiny bit. I'm not saying it was bad, how can mint ice cream and Thin Mints be bad, but it's not as glorious as I was building it up in my mind to be. Which is good, I suppose. And it hasn't sent me on a crazy chocolate binge, which I was a little afraid that it might, but it's only been two hours since I had it, so maybe it will. I don't think so though, as I said it wasn't like the best thing I've ever eaten, so I don't need to go back and get one every day now. I think the one was enough.

Breakfast-whole grain bread, cottage cheese, orange
Lunch-peanut butter half sandwich on whole grain bread, apple
Snack-Thin Mint Bliz' and two cherries that the nice cherry lady gave me to sample as I walked by her cherry stand with my Blizzard

If I have dinner at all, it will be something light, like a salad. I don't plan on eating much more today, in fact I think once I get home I'm going to fall right asleep. I'm so tired today.

Dinner-tofu pad thai(it was a small order if that makes it any better)
Dessert-red plum sorbet(the only reason I had it was because I was by my favorite gelato place and that sounded the best)

I felt guilty about both immediately afterward. I knew I should have had a salad for dinner and a piece of fruit for dessert instead, but I wasn't home and didn't. I seem to really suck when I'm not eating at home. That used to be my downfall, now it helps immensely.

Oh and I walked a TON today, seriously, so much, at least six hours of my day was spent walking. In the sun. I hate the sun. I say it a lot, but I do. It's so obnoxious and hot.

I'm just pissed off

2008-07-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

I've gained since he's been here. I'm slightly pissed off because I know it's because of my own stupid willpower. As long as I don't gain any more, I think I'll be ok to get back down to what I was last week, it's only two pounds. I just hope I'll be able to stay as strong as I was for the past couple of weeks prior to Thursday. Fuck. Why is it so hard for me to admit to people that I'm trying to lose weight? It's stupid. I know.

Breakfast-cottage cheese, whole grain bread with peanut butter, nectarine(I ate before he got up, yes! one good meal, finally)
Lunch-one slice of pineapple and green pepper pizza
Dinner-giant bean, cheese and rice burrito

Weekly wrap-up (July 7-July 13)

2008-07-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

1216 calories average for the week (recommended 1200-1550, aiming for 1200)
34g fat average for the week (recommended 32-56)
211g carbohydrates average for the week (recommended 163-236)
48g protein average for the week (recommended 60-127)
27g dietary fiber average for the week (recommended 25-35, aiming for 30+)

Gained 2 pounds

I feel full and fat and I just woke up.

2008-07-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to eat as well as possible today. Salads when we go out to eat, only water and limited booze tonight.

Breakfast-banana(I wanted to have more, but I'm still so full from yesterday)
Lunch-chips, black beans, cheese, salsa
Snack-Swedish Fish(I know, I know)
Dinner-lots of sushi
Drinking-two whiskey gingers(I know, I know), 2 beers
Drunken snack-one bite of pineapple and green pepper pizza

Oh jeez, I'm doing awful

2008-07-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm way off track. I hate this. I know it's life and this happens, but it's tough when I felt like I was doing so good for so long and I actually knew what I was doing and felt like I had a hold on things. I'm struggling, big time. I think if I maintain in this week I'll be happy. I should be doing ok every day for this week with my friend here, except for Saturday and Wednesday(my birthday). Oh god. This is so tough. I have to keep faking like I'm not hungry because he wants to eat out and not only is it hard to eat healthy, I'm ridiculously poor right now. I have a negative amount in my bank account and only $90 left on my credit card, well after today about $75. God, I need a job.

Breakfast-banana
Lunch-vegetarian panini, Cheetos, raspberry italian soda
Drink snack-half of a root beer
Late dinner-two slices pineapple and green pepper pizza

Today is so unlike the me for the past couple of awesome weeks. I'm pretty pissed off, actually. I want to eat like normal, but when someone is constantly around, it's hard. Not only is it odd for the new good habits, but I never eat Cheetos or drink any sort of soda and I had two types of pop today! Whaaaa?! Gross! I hate, no absolutely loathe drinking calories. It's such a waste. And pop?! Really? I know better than that. I just hate when I break habit for more than once per day and it's been nearly two full days of completely off trackness. Ugh. I hope I can get back on this once he leaves.

I love my friends and family coming to visit, I just don't like them around all the time basically forcing me to spend money and eat worse. I don't have money and I'm fat, I can't do this!

Oh and today this girl asked me where Voodoo Doughnuts was and of course I was more than happy to tell her and then joked with my friend that the girl probably looked at me and was like "That girl clearly loves doughnuts, I'll ask her".

Another reason I'm so upset. See, I realize I'm not doing as bad as I could be, I have still managed to avoid the chocolate and overeating, those are my biggest obstacles, so yay for that! But the reason I'm upset is because this is my initial kick my butt into gear and lose weight phase, if I was maintaining or at even a moderately comfortable weight I'd be fine eating out and enjoying life, but I'm not and it sucks feeling like I'm cheating all the time.

I'm just bogged down my unnecessary guilt.

And I find it really difficult to poop when you share a little studio apartment with someone. Good thing I have bad digestion and don't poop much anyway. But really, is it too much to ask for him to leave for a little period of time during the day. He can go explore my city alone for a bit, right? Or is it rude to ask someone to leave so you can poop in peace? It's just that he's constantly around. The only time I'm alone is when I'm in the bathroom or I have other things I have to do and pooping in a public restroom has never been something I enjoyed doing. I just want to poop in my apartment and I can't even get up while he's sleeping to do it because the couch he sleeps on is about four feet from the bathroom. It's just too awkward.

Heads up

2008-07-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted today and I have a ton of shit to do. No camera, so no pictures for awhile. I'm not even sure if I'll have time this week to update what I'm eating either, I'll try, but it might come in a cluster of all the days next Thursday.

Breakfast-banana
Lunch-whole grain bread, chik'n patty, ranch(made with light sour cream), cucumber slices, spinach
Snack-banana
Ultra late dinner-relatively small, but super rich bit of mac and cheese(less than a quarter of the plate), one fry(off of my friends plate)
Drinking-4 beers